You can now pre-order the Lee Greenwood Bible, the latest hustle by the publishing Christian right to try and separate the evangelical base from another fifty bucks, and it will be shipped to you by the anniversary of the 9-11 attack on the US, so you can hold it reverently in your hands as you ask God if we’ve killed enough Muslims to avenge it.
This is not exactly how this Bible is advertised, but I’m sure you can use it for that. The Lee Greenwood Bible contains, besides the King James version of the same, a “readable” copy of the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, the Bill of Rights, the Pledge of Allegiance and the lyrics to Lee Greenwood’s sappy patriotic anthem “God Bless the USA.”
So, it’s easy worth the fifty bucks, even though you could get a Bible for free from that motel room you get to have sex with your second cousin while her husband’s working nights any time you want. That Bible doesn’t contain any of the thoughts of Lee Greenwood, though, just the standard mumblings and vague threats of various prophets and disciples. Lee’s a little more straightforward than the Book of Revelations, for example, when he writes, “And I'm proud to be an American/where at least I know I'm free,” which means that nobody else anywhere is free, even Europeans and Australians who vote for their leaders and have free speech and press, because they are yoked under the tyranny of universal health care.
See? Country-western musicians can be interpreted just like the words of Jesus. The Greenwood Bible has the advantage of combining stuff you never read (Bible, Constitution) with stuff you don’t need to read because you know it by heart (Pledge of Allegiance, country songs).
So, it doesn’t have to be opened at all. It can just sit there on your coffee table, proclaiming your religiosity and patriotism to whoever drops by, whether it be your pastor looking for his tithe or the FBI, wondering where you were on January 6th.
This Bible’s marketers seem to recognize that no one is about to buy one of these books for themselves, so the web page you can order it from has a list of people you can gift it to. Some of these suggestions are believable, like “The family,” because there’s nothing like a great big Bible/Constitution lying on the coffee table to remind you not to leave your sister’s underpants on it when you’re done having sex with her.
Others are not so convincing. “American History buffs?” The amount of American history in the Bible is negligible. “Grandparents?” They’re probably familiar with the Bible already, but you want them to remember what a good kid you really are when you need bail money, so maybe. “New American citizens?” Complete bullshit. You don’t know any, and if you did, you would be annoyed by them to the point of smacking them around. It’s not a hate crime if you just hate someone’s accent, right?
So, Lee Greenwood’s got a pretty viable product here. He’s probably going to make some money off of it, which will supplement the income he makes croaking out “God Bless the USA,” in some dank Vegas lounge six nights a week, which, like all musicians who had at least one hit song, is the way he’ll finish out his career.
But he’d better watch out for the competition. With the Country-Western Bible on the shelves, can the NASCAR Bible be far behind?
This is not exactly how this Bible is advertised, but I’m sure you can use it for that. The Lee Greenwood Bible contains, besides the King James version of the same, a “readable” copy of the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, the Bill of Rights, the Pledge of Allegiance and the lyrics to Lee Greenwood’s sappy patriotic anthem “God Bless the USA.”
So, it’s easy worth the fifty bucks, even though you could get a Bible for free from that motel room you get to have sex with your second cousin while her husband’s working nights any time you want. That Bible doesn’t contain any of the thoughts of Lee Greenwood, though, just the standard mumblings and vague threats of various prophets and disciples. Lee’s a little more straightforward than the Book of Revelations, for example, when he writes, “And I'm proud to be an American/where at least I know I'm free,” which means that nobody else anywhere is free, even Europeans and Australians who vote for their leaders and have free speech and press, because they are yoked under the tyranny of universal health care.
See? Country-western musicians can be interpreted just like the words of Jesus. The Greenwood Bible has the advantage of combining stuff you never read (Bible, Constitution) with stuff you don’t need to read because you know it by heart (Pledge of Allegiance, country songs).
So, it doesn’t have to be opened at all. It can just sit there on your coffee table, proclaiming your religiosity and patriotism to whoever drops by, whether it be your pastor looking for his tithe or the FBI, wondering where you were on January 6th.
This Bible’s marketers seem to recognize that no one is about to buy one of these books for themselves, so the web page you can order it from has a list of people you can gift it to. Some of these suggestions are believable, like “The family,” because there’s nothing like a great big Bible/Constitution lying on the coffee table to remind you not to leave your sister’s underpants on it when you’re done having sex with her.
Others are not so convincing. “American History buffs?” The amount of American history in the Bible is negligible. “Grandparents?” They’re probably familiar with the Bible already, but you want them to remember what a good kid you really are when you need bail money, so maybe. “New American citizens?” Complete bullshit. You don’t know any, and if you did, you would be annoyed by them to the point of smacking them around. It’s not a hate crime if you just hate someone’s accent, right?
So, Lee Greenwood’s got a pretty viable product here. He’s probably going to make some money off of it, which will supplement the income he makes croaking out “God Bless the USA,” in some dank Vegas lounge six nights a week, which, like all musicians who had at least one hit song, is the way he’ll finish out his career.
But he’d better watch out for the competition. With the Country-Western Bible on the shelves, can the NASCAR Bible be far behind?
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