That’s the only thing he ever taught me, besides using the lawnmower when I was old enough to reach the handles so he wouldn’t have to cut the grass anymore, so I suppose I should treasure it.
Cookies have a whole new meaning nowadays though, and Facebook cookies have crumbled so that the ad that pops up most frequently when I log on to FB nowadays is an invitation to donate to Prison Fellowship International, which wants $15 from me so they can “introduce a prisoner to Jesus Christ right now.” I am also told that the funds I donate would ensure that every prisoner who wants one would get a Bible.
What is possessing the PFI to spend its FB advertising dollars on me I can't say. To say that buying Bibles for anyone is among the lowest of my priorities would be a considerable understatement. Anything this side of undergoing chemotherapy would interest me more than shipping Bibles to convicts. Cynically, I imagine most of them would be hollowed out to conceal a shiv or other contraband. Equally cynically, I expect that prison inhabitants who actually want to read the Bible already have one.
Prisoners are actually more religious than the population at large, according to this post, although admittedly the data is murky. It’s easy to see why convicts are more religious than average, though. It’s the opposite of the reason that successful professional athletes are more religious than most. An MVP is religious because when he prayed to Jesus to hit one out of the park in the bottom of the ninth and did it, he thinks Jesus helped him swing the bat. Prisoners are religious because the turn of life that landed them in the pen, whether it was an abysmal lawyer, a partner in crime that snitched them out, planted drugs by a corrupt cop or actually having done something hideously wrong, was orchestrated by God to punish them for wrongdoings they weren’t caught at.
You can’t fix this forehead-smacking error in logic by giving cons more Bibles. I would rather give $15 to help the incarcerated obtain free streaming porn, which I suspect they would find infinitely more comforting, and would probably cut down on dropped-the-soap-in-the-shower foreplay in America’s penal institutions.
But I’m not going to do that, either. Instead, I am offering free Bibles to anyone currently in Facebook jail, of which I have many among my FB friends. I am seldom placed in FB detention myself. I wonder why sometimes, since I have as shitty a ‘tude as anyone else on here. Maybe it’s because I never post memes with bare titties in them, because if you want to be exposed to bare titties, that’s not my problem. Try Google. Acres of them there.
If you are mourning your errors in FB jail, though, bereft of the ability to comment on the frolickings of Smudge the Cat and his accusatory, tear-stained blonde companion, Leonardo de Caprio’s sardonic drunken smirk, or Pepe the Frog, and think that reading about Noah’s Ark or Jesus miraculously making Filet ‘o Fish sandwiches for a horde of followers out of a couple of mackerels and a half-loaf of challah bread will help you pass those sad, useless hours until Zuckerberg sets you free, contact me.
I’ll send you a Bible. *
*This offer is made completely sarcastically. No one is getting any Bibles from me. In fact, if you send me a request for a Bible, I will promptly sell your contact information to Nigeria and any politician begging for money who lives at least three states away from you.