Former Senator and right-wing bleater Rick Santorum will no longer be spouting unhinged gibberish on CNN, thanks to his recent remarks denigrating the existence of Native Americans, which were roughly along the lines of, “Indians? Fuck ‘em, unless I’m chowing down at one of their casino buffets.”
No, I made that up. Rick’s remarks were more like, “Indians? A bunch of people living in ditches until white Christians came here, killed most of them and built suburbs over their graveyards. Hasn’t everybody here seen Poltergeist?”
That might not be strictly accurate either, but it is said in the style of Santorum, a mean-spirited sanctimoniousness that was yet to fall under the thrall of Trump in Rick’s heyday. Why CNN hired him in the first place was a mystery to everyone. He was always basically Ted Nugent with a tie and a Bible.
But here, there’s always been a soft spot for Rick. In honor of his losing probably the last respectable job he’s ever going to have, the following is some thoughts I entertained about Santorum back in 2012, when he was conducting a laughably inept campaign for the Presidency.
Some of you may have read this already, but here it is again, just to let you know that I was boldly talking Rick Santorum when nobody else was talking Santorum.
The former senator from Pennsylvania, now running for President, says Senator McCain "doesn't know how effective" enhanced interrogation techniques can be, even though McCain was a prisoner of war for five years and tortured on many occasions by his North Vietnamese captors.
An insider for the Santorum campaign brushed off criticism of Santorum's comments. "People question Rick Santorum's experience and political acumen. Remember, we're talking about a guy who served one full term in the Senate before booted out into the street by Pennsylvania voters. In the intervening six years, Rick has boosted his personal qualifications for higher office in a Herculean fashion."
Asked for an example, the Santorum spokesman replied. "As you know, Rick has always been pro-life, so he knows more about unwanted pregnancies than the women who don't want them. He's always been anti-evolution, so he knows more about science than scientists. He's always been anti-gay, so he knows more about the repulsive nature of homosexual acts than the homosexuals who perform them. It shouldn't surprise anyone that he knows more about torture than someone who's been tortured.
"Now that he's thinking about running for President, he's expanded the range of his knowledge even further."
When skepticism was expressed by this reporter his objections were brushed aside. "Frankly, the rest of the Republican field had better watch out for Santorum. He knows more about being an eerie loony from Texas than Ron Paul. He knows more about being a semi-literate housewife who's never read or written anything longer than a Twitter post in her entire life than Sarah Palin. He's an even bigger has-been than Newt Gingrich."
Asked if the American people didn't deserve a President with a more significant grasp of reality, the spokesman replied indignantly, 'I have no idea what you are talking about. When the sexual abuse scandal broke out in the Catholic Church, of which Rick is a proud member, Rick was the first one to point out that it was probably caused by increasing public toleration of homosexuality."
In other words, according to Santorum, if they hadn't watched Queer Eye, the offending priests would have kept their hands off the altar boys?
"Without a doubt."
A final question. Isn't it true that Santorum has no real hope of being nominated for President, and is hoping for the Vice-Presidency instead?
"The campaign steadfastly denies any interest in the Vice Presidency. However, Rick Santorum definitely knows more about being Vice President than Joe Biden."
Need more past ramblings on Santorum? Click here.
No, I made that up. Rick’s remarks were more like, “Indians? A bunch of people living in ditches until white Christians came here, killed most of them and built suburbs over their graveyards. Hasn’t everybody here seen Poltergeist?”
That might not be strictly accurate either, but it is said in the style of Santorum, a mean-spirited sanctimoniousness that was yet to fall under the thrall of Trump in Rick’s heyday. Why CNN hired him in the first place was a mystery to everyone. He was always basically Ted Nugent with a tie and a Bible.
But here, there’s always been a soft spot for Rick. In honor of his losing probably the last respectable job he’s ever going to have, the following is some thoughts I entertained about Santorum back in 2012, when he was conducting a laughably inept campaign for the Presidency.
Some of you may have read this already, but here it is again, just to let you know that I was boldly talking Rick Santorum when nobody else was talking Santorum.
The former senator from Pennsylvania, now running for President, says Senator McCain "doesn't know how effective" enhanced interrogation techniques can be, even though McCain was a prisoner of war for five years and tortured on many occasions by his North Vietnamese captors.
An insider for the Santorum campaign brushed off criticism of Santorum's comments. "People question Rick Santorum's experience and political acumen. Remember, we're talking about a guy who served one full term in the Senate before booted out into the street by Pennsylvania voters. In the intervening six years, Rick has boosted his personal qualifications for higher office in a Herculean fashion."
Asked for an example, the Santorum spokesman replied. "As you know, Rick has always been pro-life, so he knows more about unwanted pregnancies than the women who don't want them. He's always been anti-evolution, so he knows more about science than scientists. He's always been anti-gay, so he knows more about the repulsive nature of homosexual acts than the homosexuals who perform them. It shouldn't surprise anyone that he knows more about torture than someone who's been tortured.
"Now that he's thinking about running for President, he's expanded the range of his knowledge even further."
When skepticism was expressed by this reporter his objections were brushed aside. "Frankly, the rest of the Republican field had better watch out for Santorum. He knows more about being an eerie loony from Texas than Ron Paul. He knows more about being a semi-literate housewife who's never read or written anything longer than a Twitter post in her entire life than Sarah Palin. He's an even bigger has-been than Newt Gingrich."
Asked if the American people didn't deserve a President with a more significant grasp of reality, the spokesman replied indignantly, 'I have no idea what you are talking about. When the sexual abuse scandal broke out in the Catholic Church, of which Rick is a proud member, Rick was the first one to point out that it was probably caused by increasing public toleration of homosexuality."
In other words, according to Santorum, if they hadn't watched Queer Eye, the offending priests would have kept their hands off the altar boys?
"Without a doubt."
A final question. Isn't it true that Santorum has no real hope of being nominated for President, and is hoping for the Vice-Presidency instead?
"The campaign steadfastly denies any interest in the Vice Presidency. However, Rick Santorum definitely knows more about being Vice President than Joe Biden."
Need more past ramblings on Santorum? Click here.
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