Todd knows rape. Oh yes he does.
The office of Congressman Todd Akins, candidate for the Senate from Missouri, mindful of the controversy stirred up by the Congressman's remarks concerning "legitimate rape," has released the following to the press in order to clarify Mr. Akin's thoughts on rape.
Spousal Rape: Specifically mandated in the Bible. A woman should be obedient to her husband and there's no time that obedience is more important than when a man's in the mood for begetting. Not rape at all. Not even close.
Statutory Rape: Bad, stupid and wrong. But not rape. If abortions were permitted after statutory rape, the population in Missouri, as well as in neighboring states like Tennessee and Arkansas, could fall precipitously in future years.
Incest: See above.
Rape by a Person Known to the Victim: In most cases, this is a neighbor. A neighbor who's been watching a woman milk her goats in those cut-off short-shorts you can see the pockets hanging out of. He's tried reading the Bible to get the sinful thoughts she's been causing him to have out of his head, but the Bible says "Love thy Neighbor." He's merely confused. Not rape.
Date Rape: You can hardly call that rape, since the woman agreed to go out with him, right? What did she think he wanted? Just because she changed her mind about having sex with him because he pulled out his dentures at the restaurant and started having a pretend humorous conversation with them doesn't mean he's changed his mind. Not rape.
Date Rape after Roofie Slipped Into Drink: The key word here is "drink." Was the woman drinking? Anytime a woman drinks alcohol, she's bound to start thinking about enticing a man into having sex with her. Not rape.
Rape by Stranger in Bar after Roofie Slipped Into Drink: The key word here is "bar." Was the woman in a bar? Then she was no doubt intending some random, otherwise well-behaved man would be drawn to her in a sexual way. What about the roofie, you say? What other reason would a man have for carrying a roofie into a bar, except rape? Well, some men are shy. They slip roofies into women's drinks so these women won't notice they stutter, or are missing some important facial features. Once the woman starts leading him on by losing consciousness, a man can hardly be blamed for succumbing to his natural urges. Not rape.
Rape by Multiple Frat Boys After Passing Out at Drunken Party: Any time a woman deliberately passes out, she sets the minds of innocent males on fire with thoughts of her nude body wantonly lying beneath her easily removed clothes. Not rape(s).
Rape by a Stranger in a Dark Alley: What was the woman wearing in this alley? Was she dressed provocatively? In a really dark alley, any clothing style can easily be mistaken for sexually alluring clothes, such as thigh-high boots or a slit skirt, clothing that identifies a woman who wants to have sex with any man who offers it to her. You can't blame a guy for having an imagination. Not rape.
Rape by a Man With a Knife Who Breaks Into A Woman's Home Through the Sliding Glass Door While She's Sleeping: This is kind of rapey. It depends on whether the sliding glass door was locked, or whether the man sincerely believes that any woman who falls asleep on the first floor of a dwelling is signaling her availability for sex.
Rape by a Black Man With a Knife Who Breaks Into A Woman's Home Through the Sliding Glass Door While She's Sleeping: This is legitimate rape.
Spousal Rape: Specifically mandated in the Bible. A woman should be obedient to her husband and there's no time that obedience is more important than when a man's in the mood for begetting. Not rape at all. Not even close.
Statutory Rape: Bad, stupid and wrong. But not rape. If abortions were permitted after statutory rape, the population in Missouri, as well as in neighboring states like Tennessee and Arkansas, could fall precipitously in future years.
Incest: See above.
Rape by a Person Known to the Victim: In most cases, this is a neighbor. A neighbor who's been watching a woman milk her goats in those cut-off short-shorts you can see the pockets hanging out of. He's tried reading the Bible to get the sinful thoughts she's been causing him to have out of his head, but the Bible says "Love thy Neighbor." He's merely confused. Not rape.
Date Rape: You can hardly call that rape, since the woman agreed to go out with him, right? What did she think he wanted? Just because she changed her mind about having sex with him because he pulled out his dentures at the restaurant and started having a pretend humorous conversation with them doesn't mean he's changed his mind. Not rape.
Date Rape after Roofie Slipped Into Drink: The key word here is "drink." Was the woman drinking? Anytime a woman drinks alcohol, she's bound to start thinking about enticing a man into having sex with her. Not rape.
Rape by Stranger in Bar after Roofie Slipped Into Drink: The key word here is "bar." Was the woman in a bar? Then she was no doubt intending some random, otherwise well-behaved man would be drawn to her in a sexual way. What about the roofie, you say? What other reason would a man have for carrying a roofie into a bar, except rape? Well, some men are shy. They slip roofies into women's drinks so these women won't notice they stutter, or are missing some important facial features. Once the woman starts leading him on by losing consciousness, a man can hardly be blamed for succumbing to his natural urges. Not rape.
Rape by Multiple Frat Boys After Passing Out at Drunken Party: Any time a woman deliberately passes out, she sets the minds of innocent males on fire with thoughts of her nude body wantonly lying beneath her easily removed clothes. Not rape(s).
Rape by a Stranger in a Dark Alley: What was the woman wearing in this alley? Was she dressed provocatively? In a really dark alley, any clothing style can easily be mistaken for sexually alluring clothes, such as thigh-high boots or a slit skirt, clothing that identifies a woman who wants to have sex with any man who offers it to her. You can't blame a guy for having an imagination. Not rape.
Rape by a Man With a Knife Who Breaks Into A Woman's Home Through the Sliding Glass Door While She's Sleeping: This is kind of rapey. It depends on whether the sliding glass door was locked, or whether the man sincerely believes that any woman who falls asleep on the first floor of a dwelling is signaling her availability for sex.
Rape by a Black Man With a Knife Who Breaks Into A Woman's Home Through the Sliding Glass Door While She's Sleeping: This is legitimate rape.
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