The assault took place outside of an ice-cream parlor in Atlantic City. As a source, speaking on condition of anonymity said, "Mitt was eating a bowl of pralines and cream when this guy with an outrageous haircut walked by.
"Mitt had arrived with Scott Walker and Marco Rubio and God knows you're not going to eat a bowl of ice cream in New Jersey without Chris Christie inviting himself to join you. They all had the day off, so they were just chilling, in a severely conservative way.
"That guy is asking for it, Mitt said, when the dude with the stupid do went by. It's true he should have considered the company he was keeping before he opened his mouth. I mean, one look at Christie and you can tell he was the kind of fat kid who threw his weight around the schoolyard. And everybody knows Rubio, growing up poor and Cuban in South Florida, had to steal someone's lunch every day if he wanted to eat. Walker, of course, used to throw rocks through the windows of his teachers' homes because they belonged to a union.
"What I'm saying is that these were the kinds of guys who weren't shy about taking corrective action if they saw something they didn't like. They were a tad buzzed on pralines and I'm sure they egged each other on a little bit before Mitt produced a pair of pinking shears and they jumped Trump from behind and chopped his locks. I'm telling you, there were some red faces all around when they turned him over and realized they had pranked The Donald.
"Trump was a good sport about it…said it had happened to him before. The impulse to reduce a helpless stranger to tears and self-hatred is one he's pretty familiar with, after all. He already had a Jamaican woman in Queens who was a genius at hair extensions on retainer. She could even replace his comb-over and make it look as completely unnatural as the one he formed with his real hair. The boys chipped in to pay for it, of course. They also bought Trump a cheap baseball cap so he could make it to Queens without being recognized and, noting he looked a little pale after the attack, tossed in a bottle of Donald's favorite spray tan as well.
"The whole thing's a non-event, as far as we're concerned. Mitt's forgotten about it already."