“Unlike the Congress members, Mrs. Trump has a perfectly acceptable country to go back to. Because most of the Representatives were born here in the US, they correctly interpreted the President’s Tweeting as meaning, 'Go back to where your dark-skinned ancestors came from."
“In the case of one of them, Ayanna Pressley, that would be tough, because her ancestors were dragged over here on slave ships 400 years ago and the receipts have been lost, so to speak. And, even though that Occasionally-Cortez person was born in the Bronx, her ancestors were from Puerto Rico, so if she were to return there, Mrs. Trump’s hubby would still be her President and he could drop in and smush her in the face with a roll of paper towels anytime there was a hurricane.
“But Mrs. Trump would only need to return to Slovenia, a smallish, newish European nation that even she doesn’t know much about, except that its President is not a hideous husky orange windbag she is forced to have sex with. Slovenia is full of quaint castles, none of which have the name “Trump” emblazoned in gold on them. Its coastline is so small there’s barely room to hit a golf ball into the ocean from it. Its national sport is skiing, which Mrs. Trump’s husband doesn’t do but which would be funny as fuck to watch him try.
“Slovenia is covered by Alpine forests, where the locals go to pick wild mushrooms and where Melania plans to stay the hell away from. She’s been there, done that. The cost of living is cheap enough that whatever she gets from her prenup will be plenty to live off of. Plus, she’ll get child support for Barron, who she’s been wanting to get out of the US ever since he told her, “I want to grow up to be just like Uncle Eric,” something no living person had ever said before, to her or anyone else.
“She, of course, will not completely abandon the US. She will return here occasionally for elective surgery and to have torrid public affairs with any Republican who has ever criticized her husband, so it looks like Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan and the crew of the USS John McCain will be getting lucky. She’s not going to be visiting any smelly kid concentration camps, though. She’s done with that.
“She sincerely sympathizes with anybody who really doesn’t have an ancestral country to skedaddle off to, which is most of you, she knows. And if she’s spotted wearing her ‘I don’t care, do U,’ windbreaker again when she boards her flight outta here, please don’t take it personally.
“It’s just a fashion statement.”