SCENE: The G-20 private meeting between Trump and Putin in Hamburg, Germany. The two men meet, as promised, without aides or translators.
PUTIN: Comrade Trump! It is so good that we finally meet! Congratulations on your enormous electoral college victory!
TRUMP: I don’t get enough credit for that, Vladimir. People say that you deserve the credit for it.
PUTIN: Sad. But down to business. You have the list of CIA assets I requested?
TRUMP: Sure. (passes over a folder)
PUTIN: And it will be just as I said. The Russian government just wants to reward these brave citizens for their service. They will be given the traditional Glory of Spying medal, which consists of a small bit of lead worn in the back of the head. (Opens folder, glances inside) Hey! This is a list of the 2012 Academy Awards winners!
TRUMP: It’s what the head of the CIA gave me. (takes it back) Huh! Who would’ve thought Jennifer Lawrence was a spy?
PUTIN: You have been tricked, Mr. President. In Russia, this would be punished by years in the Gulag.
TRUMP: In America, we punish by Twitter, President Putin. These losers will pay, I promise you.
PUTIN: I hope so, comrade. In the meantime, the missile retargeting?
TRUMP: All carried out, Vladimir. You didn’t really say where you wanted the missiles to go, so we pointed most of them at Mexico. Saved a few for Canada and France. I hate countries with boyish, charismatic* leaders, don’t you?
PUTIN: Indeed. That will be fine. You have the “football?”
TRUMP: (complaining) I have to carry it everywhere. Lucky it fits in a golf cart.
PUTIN: May I see it? (Trump hands over a black, rectangular object) Where are the launch codes? (presses a few buttons)
TRUMP: Some of those grandstanders in the Pentagon told me to be careful with the buttons, Vlad.
PUTIN: Hey! This is an xBox!
TRUMP: It is? I must have accidentally switched it with Jared. He loves carrying the nuclear codes. Busts in on Sean Spicer all the time, points a finger at it, and says "Boom!" One of the few things left that still makes Spicer crap his pants.
PUTIN: (sternly) I don't want an xBox! I have already achieved the highest score possible in Resident Evil while playing with my shirt off! This is useless to me!
TRUMP: A bigly bad on my part, President. I will get the other one for our next summit. In the meantime, you have the tapes?
PUTIN: (passes over a DVD. Trump fits it in to a computer. He calls Rex Tillerson in to show him how to play it, then dismisses the Secretary of State by handing him five dollars and saying “Go get yourself a hot dog, or something”)
TRUMP: (staring at the screen) Hey, this a recording of Miss Universe Moscow!
PUTIN: Yes, and you can clearly see you sneaking into the dressing room while the girls are putting on their swimsuits.
TRUMP: But that’s not the tape you promised me!
PUTIN: Gotcha, Comrade. It has been a good summit. It is the best time I have had in Germany since I worked for the KGB, selling steroids to their Olympic team.
TRUMP: But the real tapes!
PUTIN: Unfortunately, we can’t give them up, my friend. We force the ISIS fighters we capture to watch them until they beg us to cut their eyes out. A blind terrorist is a helpless terrorist. You are helping us win the war on Islam, comrade.
TRUMP: But what if they all get put on YouTube?
PUTIN: If that happened, and I were you, I would tell them it was the secret plan you had all along.
*This is satire. The author does not mean to imply that Trump actually uses the word “charismatically,” or even knows what it means or can pronounce it correctly.
PUTIN: Comrade Trump! It is so good that we finally meet! Congratulations on your enormous electoral college victory!
TRUMP: I don’t get enough credit for that, Vladimir. People say that you deserve the credit for it.
PUTIN: Sad. But down to business. You have the list of CIA assets I requested?
TRUMP: Sure. (passes over a folder)
PUTIN: And it will be just as I said. The Russian government just wants to reward these brave citizens for their service. They will be given the traditional Glory of Spying medal, which consists of a small bit of lead worn in the back of the head. (Opens folder, glances inside) Hey! This is a list of the 2012 Academy Awards winners!
TRUMP: It’s what the head of the CIA gave me. (takes it back) Huh! Who would’ve thought Jennifer Lawrence was a spy?
PUTIN: You have been tricked, Mr. President. In Russia, this would be punished by years in the Gulag.
TRUMP: In America, we punish by Twitter, President Putin. These losers will pay, I promise you.
PUTIN: I hope so, comrade. In the meantime, the missile retargeting?
TRUMP: All carried out, Vladimir. You didn’t really say where you wanted the missiles to go, so we pointed most of them at Mexico. Saved a few for Canada and France. I hate countries with boyish, charismatic* leaders, don’t you?
PUTIN: Indeed. That will be fine. You have the “football?”
TRUMP: (complaining) I have to carry it everywhere. Lucky it fits in a golf cart.
PUTIN: May I see it? (Trump hands over a black, rectangular object) Where are the launch codes? (presses a few buttons)
TRUMP: Some of those grandstanders in the Pentagon told me to be careful with the buttons, Vlad.
PUTIN: Hey! This is an xBox!
TRUMP: It is? I must have accidentally switched it with Jared. He loves carrying the nuclear codes. Busts in on Sean Spicer all the time, points a finger at it, and says "Boom!" One of the few things left that still makes Spicer crap his pants.
PUTIN: (sternly) I don't want an xBox! I have already achieved the highest score possible in Resident Evil while playing with my shirt off! This is useless to me!
TRUMP: A bigly bad on my part, President. I will get the other one for our next summit. In the meantime, you have the tapes?
PUTIN: (passes over a DVD. Trump fits it in to a computer. He calls Rex Tillerson in to show him how to play it, then dismisses the Secretary of State by handing him five dollars and saying “Go get yourself a hot dog, or something”)
TRUMP: (staring at the screen) Hey, this a recording of Miss Universe Moscow!
PUTIN: Yes, and you can clearly see you sneaking into the dressing room while the girls are putting on their swimsuits.
TRUMP: But that’s not the tape you promised me!
PUTIN: Gotcha, Comrade. It has been a good summit. It is the best time I have had in Germany since I worked for the KGB, selling steroids to their Olympic team.
TRUMP: But the real tapes!
PUTIN: Unfortunately, we can’t give them up, my friend. We force the ISIS fighters we capture to watch them until they beg us to cut their eyes out. A blind terrorist is a helpless terrorist. You are helping us win the war on Islam, comrade.
TRUMP: But what if they all get put on YouTube?
PUTIN: If that happened, and I were you, I would tell them it was the secret plan you had all along.
*This is satire. The author does not mean to imply that Trump actually uses the word “charismatically,” or even knows what it means or can pronounce it correctly.
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