President Trump admitted today that he would accept derogatory information on any of his opponents from Satan, if the Prince of Darkness offered it.
Denying that accepting such information would be an illegal campaign contribution from a foreign power, the President said, “There’s no one more American than Satan. Ask any of my evangelical supporters. Satan is everywhere in America. He always shows up at Pride parades and abortion clinics. He even maintains Hell at an even 350 degrees, which is perfect for baking gay wedding cakes.
“Satan’s got oppo research on all the Democrats. Of course, he knows how many times they’ve cheated on their partners, what they like to wear when they’re getting spanked by hookers and which ones are hooked on opioids—hint--think Joe Biden—but what he’s really good at is getting their emails. Nobody can hack a database like Lucifer. He invented emails, you know—that’s why everybody hates opening their inbox.”
Trump denied that getting re-election help from Lucifer would hurt his support from the Christian right. “They’re praying for me to get re-elected, right? So, Jesus heard their prayers, and passed the job on to Satan, and Satan lets my boy Don Jr. know where he can download some amateur porn featuring a twenty-something Pete Buttigieg. That’s how eternal life works.”
Trump also claimed that accepting help from the Devil would not put him in Hell’s debt, and give Beelzebub undue influence over Presidential decision-making. “It’s not like I would sell my soul to the guy. I wouldn’t consider anything more permanent than a leaseback deal. Satan knows that. He knows what a great negotiator I am. He gave me the password to Elizabeth Warren’s Tinder account for free.
“And don’t worry that accepting re-election help from both foreign governments and the Lord of Damnation will cause a conflict of interest. Both Satan and Putin have assured me that can’t happen.”
Denying that accepting such information would be an illegal campaign contribution from a foreign power, the President said, “There’s no one more American than Satan. Ask any of my evangelical supporters. Satan is everywhere in America. He always shows up at Pride parades and abortion clinics. He even maintains Hell at an even 350 degrees, which is perfect for baking gay wedding cakes.
“Satan’s got oppo research on all the Democrats. Of course, he knows how many times they’ve cheated on their partners, what they like to wear when they’re getting spanked by hookers and which ones are hooked on opioids—hint--think Joe Biden—but what he’s really good at is getting their emails. Nobody can hack a database like Lucifer. He invented emails, you know—that’s why everybody hates opening their inbox.”
Trump denied that getting re-election help from Lucifer would hurt his support from the Christian right. “They’re praying for me to get re-elected, right? So, Jesus heard their prayers, and passed the job on to Satan, and Satan lets my boy Don Jr. know where he can download some amateur porn featuring a twenty-something Pete Buttigieg. That’s how eternal life works.”
Trump also claimed that accepting help from the Devil would not put him in Hell’s debt, and give Beelzebub undue influence over Presidential decision-making. “It’s not like I would sell my soul to the guy. I wouldn’t consider anything more permanent than a leaseback deal. Satan knows that. He knows what a great negotiator I am. He gave me the password to Elizabeth Warren’s Tinder account for free.
“And don’t worry that accepting re-election help from both foreign governments and the Lord of Damnation will cause a conflict of interest. Both Satan and Putin have assured me that can’t happen.”
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