The relationship of Trump with the Judeo-Christian Almighty is a fraught one; reports of Trump’s beginnings as a bogus billionaire playboy have him smushing the Ten Commandments repeatedly into little flecks of gravel, whereas lately he hugs Christianity like he hugs the flag, not even bothering to conceal the insincere smirk on his face.
Yet the similarity in style between Trump and God grows ever stronger. They both only demand one thing, really—worship. If you don’t give them that, you get screwed. The list of God’s victims is well-documented. The Philistines, the first-born Egyptians, everybody inside the walls of Jericho, and, near the beginning, everybody on Earth except Noah. For Trump, Sean Spicer, Rex Tillerson, James Mattis, Muslims, Mexicans and CNN.
Both God (the Bible) and Trump (Art of the Deal) get credit for a best-selling book they didn’t actually write themselves.
For everything good that happens to you, you should thank God. For everything bad, you should blame yourself. Or Satan. Or yourself for listening to Satan. For everything good that happens to the United States, you should thank Trump, even if you only have his word that it's good. For everything bad that happens to the USA, you should blame Obama. Or yourself, for being a Democrat.
God had the Prodigal Son, a disobedient fuckup that He forgave over and over. Trump has Kim Jong Un.
God had a bearded Son who got crucified on Golgotha. Trump has a bearded son who regularly gets crucified on Twitter.
God supposedly came upon a virgin and impregnated her. Trump supposedly raped a 13-year-old girl.
God’s ways—mysterious, but said to be influenced by prayer. Trump’s ways—well, you could say mysterious, but incoherent might be a better word. Said to be influenced by FOX News.
God has the Heavenly Host, a bunch of Cherubims and Seraphims that always have His back. Trump has the Republican Senate.
God—eager to help you find your car keys if you ask Him, but ignored the Holocaust. Trump—eager to keep a black woman’s face off the $20 bill, but ignores Putin’s hand up his hiney.
All right, that’s not exactly the same, so we’re going to close out here. Just remember, Trump always acts like a huge narcissistic bastard.
You can have your own opinion on whether God does, too.
Yet the similarity in style between Trump and God grows ever stronger. They both only demand one thing, really—worship. If you don’t give them that, you get screwed. The list of God’s victims is well-documented. The Philistines, the first-born Egyptians, everybody inside the walls of Jericho, and, near the beginning, everybody on Earth except Noah. For Trump, Sean Spicer, Rex Tillerson, James Mattis, Muslims, Mexicans and CNN.
Both God (the Bible) and Trump (Art of the Deal) get credit for a best-selling book they didn’t actually write themselves.
For everything good that happens to you, you should thank God. For everything bad, you should blame yourself. Or Satan. Or yourself for listening to Satan. For everything good that happens to the United States, you should thank Trump, even if you only have his word that it's good. For everything bad that happens to the USA, you should blame Obama. Or yourself, for being a Democrat.
God had the Prodigal Son, a disobedient fuckup that He forgave over and over. Trump has Kim Jong Un.
God had a bearded Son who got crucified on Golgotha. Trump has a bearded son who regularly gets crucified on Twitter.
God supposedly came upon a virgin and impregnated her. Trump supposedly raped a 13-year-old girl.
God’s ways—mysterious, but said to be influenced by prayer. Trump’s ways—well, you could say mysterious, but incoherent might be a better word. Said to be influenced by FOX News.
God has the Heavenly Host, a bunch of Cherubims and Seraphims that always have His back. Trump has the Republican Senate.
God—eager to help you find your car keys if you ask Him, but ignored the Holocaust. Trump—eager to keep a black woman’s face off the $20 bill, but ignores Putin’s hand up his hiney.
All right, that’s not exactly the same, so we’re going to close out here. Just remember, Trump always acts like a huge narcissistic bastard.
You can have your own opinion on whether God does, too.
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