This concept—"freedom gas”—was invented by none other than the Secretary of Energy himself, failed Presidential candidate and chronic foot-in-mouther Rick Perry, and while it walks like a fart joke, quacks like a fart joke and paddles like a fart joke, it is not a fart joke. It is the concept of replacing Europe’s natural gas supply, currently controlled by Trump’s Facebook friend, Vladimir Putin, with clean, wholesome, just-as-explosive American natural gas, shipped to Europe in gigantic tankers that are really, really unlikely to blow up and kill everyone in Rotterdam.
Most of you are old enough to remember “freedom fries.” They are what we used to raise our cholesterol instead of French fries during the beginning of the Iraqi war. We re-named our favorite potato dish out of our contempt for the French, who had the nerve to point out that invading Iraq was a really stupid idea and would likely result in a long, unwinnable war, and they would rather quit eating snails than go along with it. But we Americans don’t think there is such a thing as an unwinnable war until we’re in one, and we still have troops in Iraq sixteen years later, because apparently at least some American soldiers deserve to be stuck in a grim Muslim country where they are universally hated and there are no decent hookers for the foreseeable future.
But at least we don’t have to eat freedom fries any more. And it’s Europeans that will soon be sniffing freedom gas.
But what about freedom molecules? Does the concept of individual liberty exist at the molecular level? Does American LNG consist of bold, entrepreneurial molecules looking to carve out their space in the market and pay for their own health insurance? Is Russian natural gas composed of molecules of cruel oligarchs and attractive, affordable nude models and prostitutes? Is there a socialist strain of natural gas, consisting of toothy molecules that go around screeching about the Green New Deal and Medicare for all?
Possibly not. What for sure we’re shipping to Europe, though is Trump gas. Europeans may not like it. It doesn’t burn, it just threatens to. When you complain about it, it just gives you a juvenile nickname. You don’t fire it up—it fires you.
But it’s safer to handle. It only blows up on Twitter.