She ain't debating. She's castrating. Iowa Senatorial candidate Joni Ernst released her first campaign ad the other day. The ad begins with Joni saying "I grew up castrating hogs on an Iowa farm." – News item.
Now, if this column is known for anything, it's for its relentless fact-checking. Upon noting the above item in our 24-7 news feed, we promptly placed a call to Joe Redstate, our source for all things GOP and all things Iowa as well. Joe was already focused on the Ernst candidacy.
"We're proud of this girl. When she says she grew up castrating hogs, she means it. When she was only seven or so, she would spend all day castrating hogs. That's dirty, thankless work. The hogs themselves are particularly thankless. When she ran out of hogs to castrate, she would just keep on castrating—goats, rabbits, the occasional passerby. All with the US Senate in mind."
What about things that other kids with big ambitions do? Run for student council? Study hard and get good grades? Think about the world's problems and how to solve them?
"Yeah, you could do that. Or you could just stick to what you're good at. Castrating. Not that little Joni didn't have her setbacks. One time, some joker told her she could castrate chickens. She spent the better part of an afternoon trying to figure out how. It wasn't until the cows came home that the guy told her he had just been kidding. Well, she took the ribbing good-naturedly. Of course, the guy did end up castrated."
Naturally. If her candidacy is successful, how do you see Ernst's role in the Senate?
"A problem solver. Big time. There's no problem Joni Ernst can't grab, turn on its back, spread its desperately kicking little legs and cut the testicles off of. And if some senior Senators try to get in her way, well, cover your musty old gonads is my advice for them. A new blade castrates clean."
Never heard that old saw before, Joe.
"It's an Iowa saying. You'll hear a lot more like it once Joni Ernst is standing on the floor of the Senate."
Are you sure this woman is the right choice? A lot of people think the Senate lacks cajones as it is. Nobody calls it the world's greatest deliberating body anymore.
"Once Joni takes the oath, it'll be the world's greatest deliberating and castrating body, pal. It's the dawn of a new era."
Now, if this column is known for anything, it's for its relentless fact-checking. Upon noting the above item in our 24-7 news feed, we promptly placed a call to Joe Redstate, our source for all things GOP and all things Iowa as well. Joe was already focused on the Ernst candidacy.
"We're proud of this girl. When she says she grew up castrating hogs, she means it. When she was only seven or so, she would spend all day castrating hogs. That's dirty, thankless work. The hogs themselves are particularly thankless. When she ran out of hogs to castrate, she would just keep on castrating—goats, rabbits, the occasional passerby. All with the US Senate in mind."
What about things that other kids with big ambitions do? Run for student council? Study hard and get good grades? Think about the world's problems and how to solve them?
"Yeah, you could do that. Or you could just stick to what you're good at. Castrating. Not that little Joni didn't have her setbacks. One time, some joker told her she could castrate chickens. She spent the better part of an afternoon trying to figure out how. It wasn't until the cows came home that the guy told her he had just been kidding. Well, she took the ribbing good-naturedly. Of course, the guy did end up castrated."
Naturally. If her candidacy is successful, how do you see Ernst's role in the Senate?
"A problem solver. Big time. There's no problem Joni Ernst can't grab, turn on its back, spread its desperately kicking little legs and cut the testicles off of. And if some senior Senators try to get in her way, well, cover your musty old gonads is my advice for them. A new blade castrates clean."
Never heard that old saw before, Joe.
"It's an Iowa saying. You'll hear a lot more like it once Joni Ernst is standing on the floor of the Senate."
Are you sure this woman is the right choice? A lot of people think the Senate lacks cajones as it is. Nobody calls it the world's greatest deliberating body anymore.
"Once Joni takes the oath, it'll be the world's greatest deliberating and castrating body, pal. It's the dawn of a new era."
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