Not having sex with women, but knows who is Noted pundit Glenn Beck has been quoted as predicting that Hillary Clinton will be "having sex with a woman in the White House if it becomes popular."
Apparently, Mr. Beck is not aware that sex with women is already popular. This column recommends that he quit reading the Constitution and fondling his replica muskets all night and try it. He'll see why it's caught on so; sex between opposite-gendered creatures is probably the most sought-after animal activity on the planet after inhaling oxygen and exhaling carbon dioxide. Sex with women is what most men hope and dream and pray for constantly if they are not actually having it, from the first tender stirrings of their hormones around the age of six or so until their arteries seize up while they are surreptitiously downloading porn on the iPad the nursing home gave them so they could play solitaire. We live our entire lives consumed by lust for females. So when we hear that some woman wants to have sex with another woman, we shrug our shoulders and say "Who can blame her for that?"
The answer is obvious—Glenn Beck. He is warning us against a future where the American President is regularly enjoying some all-girl grinding in the Oval Office, maybe right on top of her desk, scattering copies of vital treaties or maybe just executive orders for FEMA to imprison us all as she approaches ecstasy. He's thinking that this will lead to the death of our republic. While he's thinking that, he's probably also thinking about polishing his bayonet, if you know what I mean. Guys are like that.
Speaking of guys, while researching Glenn's lesbian dilemma, I spotted another headline that proclaimed that 93% of straight men admit to cuddling with another straight man in bed. This number seemed a tad large to me, not that I'm going to throw it open for discussion the next time I'm hanging around with a bunch of other straight guys at a sports bar or a VFW post or a charter fishing trip where we have gathered to drink and lie about the number of women who want to have sex with us. We know that our cave ancestors used to cuddle together, men, women and children alike, along with our dogs, sheep and goats, for warmth, because we were having a nice Ice Age at the time, but then we discovered fire. And. later on, blankets. The option of sleeping alone was open to the unattached straight male, and I thought most of us were taking advantage of it until this research was made public.
Turns out this study only surveyed college-age male athletes in Britain. Being neither college age, athletic or British, this is a trend I can safely ignore. Good thing, because the bed is crowded enough as it is. There's barely room for me already. My girl sleeps like a starfish and the Chihuahua is seven pounds of unmoving stone that I stub my toe on every time I try and stretch out.
The final survey the page linked to was one that insisted that large-hipped women were more likely to be promiscuous than their narrow-hipped sisters. The study claimed that broader women were subconsciously aware that child-bearing was less dangerous for them, so were more likely to freely give themselves over to casual affairs and random hookups, knowing that if they got pregnant as a result, birthing their love-children was less likely to injure them.
The problem with this theory is that I am not sure the subconscious is a real thing. I've only noticed two mental states in my own brain--conscious and un. The subconscious is something you can choose optimistically to believe in, like reincarnation or a batting instructor that could teach the San Diego Padres to hit a baseball out of the infield, but that doesn't mean it really exists. But if it does, you can figure one thing out right away.
Glenn Beck might be right about Hillary.
Apparently, Mr. Beck is not aware that sex with women is already popular. This column recommends that he quit reading the Constitution and fondling his replica muskets all night and try it. He'll see why it's caught on so; sex between opposite-gendered creatures is probably the most sought-after animal activity on the planet after inhaling oxygen and exhaling carbon dioxide. Sex with women is what most men hope and dream and pray for constantly if they are not actually having it, from the first tender stirrings of their hormones around the age of six or so until their arteries seize up while they are surreptitiously downloading porn on the iPad the nursing home gave them so they could play solitaire. We live our entire lives consumed by lust for females. So when we hear that some woman wants to have sex with another woman, we shrug our shoulders and say "Who can blame her for that?"
The answer is obvious—Glenn Beck. He is warning us against a future where the American President is regularly enjoying some all-girl grinding in the Oval Office, maybe right on top of her desk, scattering copies of vital treaties or maybe just executive orders for FEMA to imprison us all as she approaches ecstasy. He's thinking that this will lead to the death of our republic. While he's thinking that, he's probably also thinking about polishing his bayonet, if you know what I mean. Guys are like that.
Speaking of guys, while researching Glenn's lesbian dilemma, I spotted another headline that proclaimed that 93% of straight men admit to cuddling with another straight man in bed. This number seemed a tad large to me, not that I'm going to throw it open for discussion the next time I'm hanging around with a bunch of other straight guys at a sports bar or a VFW post or a charter fishing trip where we have gathered to drink and lie about the number of women who want to have sex with us. We know that our cave ancestors used to cuddle together, men, women and children alike, along with our dogs, sheep and goats, for warmth, because we were having a nice Ice Age at the time, but then we discovered fire. And. later on, blankets. The option of sleeping alone was open to the unattached straight male, and I thought most of us were taking advantage of it until this research was made public.
Turns out this study only surveyed college-age male athletes in Britain. Being neither college age, athletic or British, this is a trend I can safely ignore. Good thing, because the bed is crowded enough as it is. There's barely room for me already. My girl sleeps like a starfish and the Chihuahua is seven pounds of unmoving stone that I stub my toe on every time I try and stretch out.
The final survey the page linked to was one that insisted that large-hipped women were more likely to be promiscuous than their narrow-hipped sisters. The study claimed that broader women were subconsciously aware that child-bearing was less dangerous for them, so were more likely to freely give themselves over to casual affairs and random hookups, knowing that if they got pregnant as a result, birthing their love-children was less likely to injure them.
The problem with this theory is that I am not sure the subconscious is a real thing. I've only noticed two mental states in my own brain--conscious and un. The subconscious is something you can choose optimistically to believe in, like reincarnation or a batting instructor that could teach the San Diego Padres to hit a baseball out of the infield, but that doesn't mean it really exists. But if it does, you can figure one thing out right away.
Glenn Beck might be right about Hillary.
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