“That’s so nasty, and it’s so Karl,” sighed veteran Republican political operative Joe Redstate jealously. “No one can pull off a conscienceless dirty trick like old Turd Blossom. I just don’t know if it’s enough to get him back in the game. I mean, most of us look back in awe to the 2000 election, when he clinched the Republican nomination for Bush by spreading rumors right before the South Carolina primary that McCain had an illegitimate black child. But will a craven, race-baiting falsehood be enough to carry the day in 2016? I mean, how many years will it have been since Rove had a splash like that when the next Presidential election rolls around?
Um, offhand I would guess sixteen, Joe.
That’s right. The world changes in sixteen years, my friend. Nowadays having an illegitimate black child might be no big deal. It might give you street cred. Many black voters were illegitimate black children themselves. Did you know that? That’s the kind of wide-awake demographic analysis we Republicans are bringing to the fight in 2016. That, and the progress we’ve made from using creepy innuendos to win elections to outright blatant lying.”
Well, Karl was pretty well lying, Joe. He said Clinton spent a month in the hospital, when it was actually four days, and she was wearing brain-damage glasses when she came out, and it turns out she always wears glasses.
“I know, and I’m not saying Karl’s not an asset. I mean people hear brain damage, and they start thinking brain tumor, which you would not want your President to have, because they both begin with a B. And Benghazi begins with a B, too. Coincidence? Are you really dumb enough to think so? On the other hand, a lot of voters have brain damage themselves, from lifetimes of booze or amphetamine abuse, or just by getting shot in the head by Dick Cheney, and might view Clinton as one of their own. We have to step carefully. Plus, we've learned what really works. You bet we’re going to be clamoring for Clinton’s birth certificate.”
You’re not going to claim she was born in Kenya, are you?
“Don’t be stupid. She’s white. We’re thinking maybe the former Soviet Union. And she spent years working for a community activist from Chicago.”
Why do community activists bug Republicans so much, Joe?
“They sow divisions among the American people by pointing out that rich people have more than poor people, instead of telling the truth, which is that rich Americans are just Americans like everybody else, except that they need to pay less taxes so they can create more jobs for poor Americans by buying sports teams and cable networks poor Americans that can play football or sing can work for.”
What about poor Americans that have no musical or athletic talent?
“We don’t care for them. That doesn't make us racists, though. There’s more, though, as far as Clinton’s concerned. She’s a lesbian—everybody knows that. Every time we see a picture of her with another woman, we’re ready to start rumors of romance.”
Gay is getting more tolerated every day according to the polls, Joe. What if by 2016 nobody cares?
“Well, we’re certainly optimistic that people’s views aren’t going to evolve so fast, pal. But if they do, we’re ready with a counter-strike. Clinton’s White House was already known for a little oral servicing on the down low. We’re thinking they were having full-on orgies. Most voters hate orgies because they never get to go to any. If we really start slipping in the polls, we've got some sources that say Hillary still organizes bisexual sex-fests with Lewinsky, Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi and, just in case he tries to ruin the Republican primaries again, Newt Gingrich and his latest hot wife. What do you think?
I think you’d better start planning for 2020, Joe. No one would ever invite Harry Reid to an orgy.