Leggings--do they keep you from thinking about Jesus? It has been a fun week for religious fantasizing. Stephanie Borowicz, a Republican legislator in Pennsylvania, was tapped to say a prayer at a special session of the PA Assembly. She got the ball rolling at the sesh, which was convened to welcome its first Muslim member ever, by mentioning Jesus 13 times in her oration and praying for God’s forgiveness for permitting one of its elected crooks, thieves and liars to bow towards Mecca instead of making the sign of the Cross before beginning to loot the state treasury.
For those of you who are too busy to keep track of these things, Jesus does not nearly have the cred among Muslims that He enjoys among Christians.
Stephanie was forced to say the prayer because PA is one of those states that has agitated members of the Christian faith by having a Supreme Court that ruled that if the legislature was going to have a member of the clergy say a prayer before it started conniving and grafting, it could not be exclusively a Christian one. The Court said that imams, rabbis, Buddhist monks and even atheists should be appointed to mumble something vaguely inspiring over their conclaves before PA’s legislators started stealing in earnest.
Rather than submit to this, the legislators decided they would take turns saying the prayer themselves. Being overwhelmingly Christian, this was working out fine until Stephanie went a tad overboard. The Muslim legislator, in the spirit of forbearance that is known to infuse her faith, was heard to say afterwards, “When it’s my turn, I’m going to Allah Akbar those motherfuckers until they shit their pants.”
Washed-up reality star fogey Phil Robertson took the mike from Stephanie and began daydreaming out loud about a bunch of atheists home-invading, raping and killing an atheist family, all the while coyly reminding them, between inflicting deep puncture wounds, that there was no hell for them (the murderers) to be punished in after they finished their murder spree.
The Duck Dynasty daddy, who is otherwise notable for adopting the grooming style of Moses, does not seem to realize that there is little theology exchanged during home invasion rape and killing activities, other than the prayers of the victims, prayers that God almost always ignores, judging from the number of both recorded and forgotten rapes and murders in human history. You can’t blame Him for being bored sick of prayers regarding them. The Deity would rather help somebody hit a home run or win the Super Bowl than rescue rape victims, according to eyewitnesses.
Also, home invasions are generally carried out by people who have been in prison, and at least 90% of prisoners, according to surveys, are religious. Scientists, on the other hand, are only 10% religious, according to the same survey. Sure, once in a while you’re going to get some scientists saying, “Hey, it’s five o’clock. Time to quit thinking about this subatomic shit and find some atheist family and waste ‘em.” But that doesn’t happen often.
Finally, we ran across this tidbit from an article titled “Leggings-A Catholic Man’s Perspective,” which is a plea from a religious man for Catholic women not to wear those skin-tight legging things over their firm young booties during the Mass he is attending. Here is a sample of his reasoning:
“Many of my brothers struggle with pornography and are trying to rewire their brains to be clean from all the horrible things they’ve seen in porn. When a woman in real life walks by in an immodest outfit – say, a crop top, something low-cut, something sheer, or something very tight (like leggings), the visual of those body parts can recall images from porn to the front of their brains. It’s extremely hard to purify the brain, and we desperately need your help."
Okay, the first reaction you probably had to that was, as we social media mavens like to say, “YGTBFKM,” or “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” When we guys see attractive, daringly-clad women, it does not bring up images of porn. We concentrate exclusively on the spectacle at hand. Porn is for relaxing at home.
Strangely enough, though, I can relate to this poor addled Christian, for when I am dragged unwillingly to a religious service, I inevitably find myself ogling the women wearing tight leggings and short skirts. Because I am rationalist, I know that the women’s instinct to dress to draw attention and my being a loathsome old horndog in response to it are all part of Darwin’s plan to perpetuate the species, and I feel no guilt about it.
Mr. Catholic is in trouble though, because if he thinks things through, he’ll realize that whining for the girls to wad themselves up in shapeless clothes so that his boiling hormones don’t come between him and his Redeemer is not the Biblical solution to his quandary. The Bible, in fact, says in one of its crisper, more succulent and easily understood verses, “If thy eye offend thee, pluck it out.”
So, in obedience to the Word, he should grab the two nearest crucifixes and plunge them as deeply as he can into his eyeballs.
Or he could just stay home and watch football. It’s what I do.
For those of you who are too busy to keep track of these things, Jesus does not nearly have the cred among Muslims that He enjoys among Christians.
Stephanie was forced to say the prayer because PA is one of those states that has agitated members of the Christian faith by having a Supreme Court that ruled that if the legislature was going to have a member of the clergy say a prayer before it started conniving and grafting, it could not be exclusively a Christian one. The Court said that imams, rabbis, Buddhist monks and even atheists should be appointed to mumble something vaguely inspiring over their conclaves before PA’s legislators started stealing in earnest.
Rather than submit to this, the legislators decided they would take turns saying the prayer themselves. Being overwhelmingly Christian, this was working out fine until Stephanie went a tad overboard. The Muslim legislator, in the spirit of forbearance that is known to infuse her faith, was heard to say afterwards, “When it’s my turn, I’m going to Allah Akbar those motherfuckers until they shit their pants.”
Washed-up reality star fogey Phil Robertson took the mike from Stephanie and began daydreaming out loud about a bunch of atheists home-invading, raping and killing an atheist family, all the while coyly reminding them, between inflicting deep puncture wounds, that there was no hell for them (the murderers) to be punished in after they finished their murder spree.
The Duck Dynasty daddy, who is otherwise notable for adopting the grooming style of Moses, does not seem to realize that there is little theology exchanged during home invasion rape and killing activities, other than the prayers of the victims, prayers that God almost always ignores, judging from the number of both recorded and forgotten rapes and murders in human history. You can’t blame Him for being bored sick of prayers regarding them. The Deity would rather help somebody hit a home run or win the Super Bowl than rescue rape victims, according to eyewitnesses.
Also, home invasions are generally carried out by people who have been in prison, and at least 90% of prisoners, according to surveys, are religious. Scientists, on the other hand, are only 10% religious, according to the same survey. Sure, once in a while you’re going to get some scientists saying, “Hey, it’s five o’clock. Time to quit thinking about this subatomic shit and find some atheist family and waste ‘em.” But that doesn’t happen often.
Finally, we ran across this tidbit from an article titled “Leggings-A Catholic Man’s Perspective,” which is a plea from a religious man for Catholic women not to wear those skin-tight legging things over their firm young booties during the Mass he is attending. Here is a sample of his reasoning:
“Many of my brothers struggle with pornography and are trying to rewire their brains to be clean from all the horrible things they’ve seen in porn. When a woman in real life walks by in an immodest outfit – say, a crop top, something low-cut, something sheer, or something very tight (like leggings), the visual of those body parts can recall images from porn to the front of their brains. It’s extremely hard to purify the brain, and we desperately need your help."
Okay, the first reaction you probably had to that was, as we social media mavens like to say, “YGTBFKM,” or “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” When we guys see attractive, daringly-clad women, it does not bring up images of porn. We concentrate exclusively on the spectacle at hand. Porn is for relaxing at home.
Strangely enough, though, I can relate to this poor addled Christian, for when I am dragged unwillingly to a religious service, I inevitably find myself ogling the women wearing tight leggings and short skirts. Because I am rationalist, I know that the women’s instinct to dress to draw attention and my being a loathsome old horndog in response to it are all part of Darwin’s plan to perpetuate the species, and I feel no guilt about it.
Mr. Catholic is in trouble though, because if he thinks things through, he’ll realize that whining for the girls to wad themselves up in shapeless clothes so that his boiling hormones don’t come between him and his Redeemer is not the Biblical solution to his quandary. The Bible, in fact, says in one of its crisper, more succulent and easily understood verses, “If thy eye offend thee, pluck it out.”
So, in obedience to the Word, he should grab the two nearest crucifixes and plunge them as deeply as he can into his eyeballs.
Or he could just stay home and watch football. It’s what I do.
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