I clicked on the link. I expected detailed questions about masturbation, drinking, lust, church attendance and use of pornography. I freely acknowledge that I might rank among the lower percentile when tested in the religious SAT (Sin All Time) rankings, but you never know—I may be avoiding just enough sin to scrape into Heaven, and that would be cool with me. The bottom rung of the Hereafter would suit me just fine. I’ve always been a back of the class kind of guy.
At the very least I expected a quick quiz like the kind you always run across when you log into Zuckland. You know, one like “What Kind of Central American Tropical Insect Are You?” I did one of those the other day, and it turns out I’m a Costa Rican Hairy Caterpillar. Self-discovery is always worth the effort. At least I could find out if I’d be hanging with the Heavenly Hosts, Cherubim and Seraphim section, or if I’d be confined to one of the smaller eternal subgroups, like Philadelphia Sports Fans Who Aren’t Quite Shitty Enough for Hell.
Heavenornot.net turned out to be vastly disappointing. I don’t recommend it. One of the first lines you come across is “Many historians, as discoveries over time have increased, now believe the Bible to be the most reliable source of early world history.”
The Chinese and the Indians were already having history in Biblical times, and indigenous peoples had barreled across the Siberia-Alaska land bridge and were finishing up spreading to every corner of the Americas. This was happening in the world, and God was unaware of it, apparently, or ignoring it, or just being laser-focused on the Middle East, because that’s the only part of the world where the Bible can claim to be any kind of historical guide at all, and a sometimes dubious one at that.
The site rambles on about sin and Jesus, and how we were born with the first and must accept the second to have any chance at all at eternity, and concludes with an invitation to prayer. You can click a button that says “Yes, I Prayed,” or “No, I Still Have Questions.” There was no button that said, "I Prayed, But Nothing Happened." The addition of this option would improve the site immensely, in my opinion.
No matter what your response, you are invited to submit your email to heavenornot so you can receive what I expect is a barrage of solicitations for the salvation of your soul. Also, probably requests for money.
The site is just boring, nearly as boring as singing hosannas for all eternity. It’s the opposite of raptureready.com, which is hours of entertaining info about the imminent probability that you will be Left Behind. I recommend it highly.
But I gave them my email anyway. That way, when tragedies like train crashes in Ohio, or earthquakes in Syria strike, and the doubters among us start wailing, “Where is God?” I’ll have an answer for them.
He’s in my spam folder.