I hastened to obey. “Okay, Oh Lord, but why? You surely can’t get the virus.”
“No, but you look better with a mask on. Most people do. I’ve come to tell you I won’t be interceding to put Trump back in the White House on March 4th. I mean, what’s so special about March 4th anyway? The best day in March is the 15th. The Ides of March are fun On High, because everybody in Heaven gets a chance to stab Caesar again. I mean, it’s not fun for Caesar, but…”
“I have heard some Christian types and Q-Anon peeps saying that You would, Oh My Creator. In fact, several of them have said Jesus told them that You would restore Trump to power.”
“Yeah, well, Jesus has been drinking again. And the Holy Ghost took the Chiefs and the points in the Super Bowl, so he’s been one moody Eternal Being all week. Frankly, I’m appearing to you just to get away from the two of them, and also Mary’s—the wife, not that Magdalen woman-- eternal pear clutching over their antics.
“So, write this down--I gave up politics after choosing a couple kings for the Jews. Talk about a pair of disappointments. Well, the Jews were disappointments in general. It’s like any long-term relationship, I guess. You always end up asking Yourself why did I get involved with them in the first place?
“A lot of kings since then have claimed I appointed them, but I didn’t do diddley. You wanted to be a king in the Middle Ages, you went to the Pope. It was a good idea to kill all your siblings, too. When electoral politics came into vogue. I threw My hands up and walked away even further. Talk about a bunch of babbling miscreants. And by babbling, I mean praying.”
“I know how you dislike being prayed to.”
“Why can’t you people just STFU for a few minutes? That was one thing about Trump—he never prayed, not even for a hard-on. This new guy is in Church every Sunday.”
“What does Biden pray for?”
“Oh, his family, including his dogs, wisdom to lead the nation, the usual shit. I just stick My fingers in My ears. Figure it out for yourself, Joe.”
“Don’t You think You owe him some guidance? Isn’t America Your favorite nation?”
God furrowed His white, lightning-bolt shaped eyebrows. “Why did I make you such a sarcastic old bastard? I guess there’s some things I don’t even know. America? Give Me a break! Try the Netherlands. Jamaica is pretty chill, too. America is just a bunch of yammering yick-a-doos, constantly fawning and begging Me to lead them. Even though I don’t do shit for them, they continue to worship Me.”
“You are kind of like Trump that way.”