With a special contribution by North Carolina correspondent and author sibling Matt Cahill
Matt
My brother Matt, who sometimes writes here, sent me an email the other day describing a problem he was having. He didn’t exactly ask for my advice, since he knows I give lousy advice, but the problem he mentioned can easily be solved by a simple attitude adjustment. Here’s the issue, in his own words:
Recently I needed a new phone so hit the Verizon store in the same mall as the DMV. Fairly simple transaction and have new digits. Unfortunately, these digits previously belonged to someone else whose life I am now rather intimately involved with, not because I have ever met her, but because she has numerous issues and gets a whole bunch of calls and texts looking for dates and money. The Department of Social Services wants a piece of her, and so do several school districts. People I think might be her children call constantly. She gets modeling opportunities and offers for great car deals. Some sketchy dudes have this number, for sure.
Felicia has got problems.
I want to help her, in a way –but I’m a busy, apathetic guy, so I don’t.
So went to Verizon and said ‘Hey Verizon despite the entire pain in the ass making sure my contacts get moved over to a new one I need a new number.’
They said sure, give us more money. I declined.
So it appears Felicia and I are linked via cell. She is unaware I’m sure, unless she reads this blog. But who are we kidding?
First off, ouch. No need to get personal. I do admit that it is fairly unlikely that Felicia is one of my literally dozens of readers, but don’t rub it in. Secondly, it is important to always remember that wrong numbers are an opportunity to make random strangers confused and miserable and you, brother Matt, have that opportunity every time your new phone rings, whereas I have to wait weeks sometimes between calls from someone seeking Urgent Care, the clinic whose number is one digit away from my house phone’s.
You obviously can’t pretend to be Felicia, so you must impersonate her new man. This is going to piss off a whole subcategory of her callers, i.e., all her old men. Embrace this opportunity boldly, no matter how mean and violence-prone they sound on the phone. When you answer a call and somebody says menacingly “WHO THIS?” adopt your new persona. Since you live in North Carolina, give yourself a name like "Bubba" or "Chitlins." When your caller bellows “WHERE FELICIA AT?” say something like “Passed out on the porch again,” or “She better be workin’ the corner like I told her.”
Keep a handgun by the phone. When you suspect it’s a government agency looking for Felicia fire it off and then say “Bitch just shot me,” in a hoarse, pained whisper and drop the phone on the floor. This will probably straighten out any situation she has with the authorities, so you’ll actually be doing her a favor.
The kids will send text messages, because that’s the way kids are, and they will be requests for loans of money or property, because that’s the way kids are as well. Just text back Get it from your real father. I just figured out who he is.
Just have fun with it. And if anything really amusing happens, let me know immediately.
You know I’m always looking for material.
Recently I needed a new phone so hit the Verizon store in the same mall as the DMV. Fairly simple transaction and have new digits. Unfortunately, these digits previously belonged to someone else whose life I am now rather intimately involved with, not because I have ever met her, but because she has numerous issues and gets a whole bunch of calls and texts looking for dates and money. The Department of Social Services wants a piece of her, and so do several school districts. People I think might be her children call constantly. She gets modeling opportunities and offers for great car deals. Some sketchy dudes have this number, for sure.
Felicia has got problems.
I want to help her, in a way –but I’m a busy, apathetic guy, so I don’t.
So went to Verizon and said ‘Hey Verizon despite the entire pain in the ass making sure my contacts get moved over to a new one I need a new number.’
They said sure, give us more money. I declined.
So it appears Felicia and I are linked via cell. She is unaware I’m sure, unless she reads this blog. But who are we kidding?
First off, ouch. No need to get personal. I do admit that it is fairly unlikely that Felicia is one of my literally dozens of readers, but don’t rub it in. Secondly, it is important to always remember that wrong numbers are an opportunity to make random strangers confused and miserable and you, brother Matt, have that opportunity every time your new phone rings, whereas I have to wait weeks sometimes between calls from someone seeking Urgent Care, the clinic whose number is one digit away from my house phone’s.
You obviously can’t pretend to be Felicia, so you must impersonate her new man. This is going to piss off a whole subcategory of her callers, i.e., all her old men. Embrace this opportunity boldly, no matter how mean and violence-prone they sound on the phone. When you answer a call and somebody says menacingly “WHO THIS?” adopt your new persona. Since you live in North Carolina, give yourself a name like "Bubba" or "Chitlins." When your caller bellows “WHERE FELICIA AT?” say something like “Passed out on the porch again,” or “She better be workin’ the corner like I told her.”
Keep a handgun by the phone. When you suspect it’s a government agency looking for Felicia fire it off and then say “Bitch just shot me,” in a hoarse, pained whisper and drop the phone on the floor. This will probably straighten out any situation she has with the authorities, so you’ll actually be doing her a favor.
The kids will send text messages, because that’s the way kids are, and they will be requests for loans of money or property, because that’s the way kids are as well. Just text back Get it from your real father. I just figured out who he is.
Just have fun with it. And if anything really amusing happens, let me know immediately.
You know I’m always looking for material.
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