But sometimes people in the news seem to cry out for my advice. Louis CK, the comedian, writer and TV star who just loaded up on Emmys, referred to young people today as "the most spoiled, crappy generation in history."
Louis, as soon as you start thinking younger people are a different kind of human being than you are, just put on some long black socks, pull them up to your knees and slip those white Reeboks on your feet, because you are officially old. Really. Next time you put on your shorts, button them right below your nipples, because you are now a fogey.
I know today's young people today text each other when they are actually sitting at the same table and do other things that make us fume, mostly on their cell phones, like generally ignoring us in favor of whatever is on their little screens. That is because whatever is happening on their phone is more interesting than whatever is happening around them, unless it is a mass murder or an alien invasion or something else they usually only see in movies. Then they will point their phones away from their faces and video whatever is happening and upload it to YouTube as a courtesy to all bored youths elsewhere.
And really, Louie, if we had gotten our first cell phone at birth like they did—I believe there is a pacifier app on some of the newer ones--we would behave exactly like they do. I also think that if we could reconstitute some Cro-Magnon men, give them cell phones with functions that interested them and trained them to use them, it would only be a matter of weeks before they started whining "Crap! Kill Mastodon app updating!"
Just saying, Louis. And I have advice for Suge Knight as well. Suge, the CEO of Death Row Records (originally, when I was telling my S.O. this story, I referred to this music label as "Execution Records, or Capital Punishment records, something like that," but it is Death Row Records)was shot six times at a party celebrating theVMA's. This is the second time Suge has been shot at a VMA party. He was only shot once on the previous occasion, in 2005. As before, Suge is expected to make a full recovery.
Shooting up Suge, then, has become a hallowed tradition at the VMA's. They really ought to think about instituting a new category of award for it. So I advise to Suge to keep going to VMA parties and getting shot, as long as people are clamoring to shoot him. You owe it to your public, cuz.
Speaking of shootings, the machine gun range accidental killing of her instructor by anine-year-old girl while she was attempting to fire a fully automatic weapon has been the subject of scathing criticism by liberals everywhere. I advise them to shut up. First of all, respect the tragedy. The dead man, an expert in the gentle art of machine gunning, probably envisioned himself dying in some survivalist battle against zombie hordes or in the inevitable race war. Being shot to death by a nine-year-old girl was an end he didn't foresee, no doubt. Few of us expect to end up a notch on some little girl's machine gun grip. And let's not blame the parents. For all we know, they had been searching frantically for some venue which would let their beloved daughter have similar fun, but alas, no one would give the slender pre-teen the opportunity to operate a backhoe, use a jackhammer or ride a full-size Harley in this liability-obsessed, lawyer-ridden nation of ours. When the machine gun range said "Sure, we know your little girl must be bored watching My Little Pony DVD's in the back of your minivan. We'll let her have some real sport. That guy keeps eating other people's food out of the lunch room fridge anyway," their hearts must have leapt with joy. And I know they can't say this for legal reasons, but somewhere inside they must feel a secret pride at their precious child making her bones at such a tender age.
And I see nothing wrong with them continuing to provide guns and the opportunity to spray hot lead to their young one. We should be grateful. As the NRA would likely remind us, the only thing that can stop a bad nine-year-old girl with a fully automatic weapon is a good nine-year-old-girl with a fully automatic weapon. She needs to get right back on that horse, as long as her folks give her proper moral guidance along with a steady supply of fresh rounds, lest she grow up to be just another floozy with an Uzi.
Stand right behind her—that shows you're proud of her. It also gives Darwin a chance to finish the job.