Are we watching "Cops" or "My Fat Fabulous Life?" You decide! We Americans are no longer the fattest people on the planet. True, one survey a few years back had Mexico overtaking us in the global chunk-o-meter, but it was neck-and-neck, and it depended on whether you held the weigh-in after Thanksgiving or after Mexico had won a World Cup Soccer game.
Now a new study is out, and both the US and Mexico are being left in the dust by…EGYPT!
Yes, the land of the Pharaohs now boasts of the biggest bellies and the jiggliest thighs on the planet. When you stop building pyramids, you're bound to put on a little weight is what I figure.
True believers in American exceptionalism are aghast, and the more determined among them are already planning weekends that consist of watching My 600 Pound Life with while drinking a 30-pack of PBR and ordering stuffed-crust pizza for every meal, just to put American back in front.
But it may already be too late. Planetary lardassedness is spreading into every continent. Fat Frenchmen, round Russians, porky Poles and beefy Brazilians are straining the scales in both hemispheres. Knock-offs of American fat reality shows are already popular on the Continent (Mein 272.155 Kilo Leben) and foreign fat people are swallowing strudel and downing those huge, 15-pound mugs of beer with the stupid hinged lids on top as fast as they can just so they can get on TV.
Meanwhile, Australians are getting so large that their whole continent is in danger of slipping south towards Antarctica. You hardly ever used to see a fat Asian, but now they’re chunking out to emulate the fat Asian, Kim Jong-un, in hopes that their dads will leave them a desperately impoverished little nation that they can rule with an iron fist, too.
It’s not too late, America. We can still come out on top. For one thing, we still have the fattest kids on earth, and, like the late Whitney Houston, I believe the children are the future. Teach them well, and feed them hot fudge sundaes.
Until they grow into their adult weight, though, it’s up to us. We are the country that invented deep-fried butter and chocolate-covered bacon, after all. We pioneered the concept of the doughnut cheeseburger. American ingenuity has won a lot of these international competitions already. The space race, the arms race, America’s cup races (sure, not so many of them lately) all ended up in the win column for the USA.
It just requires national commitment and inspirational leadership. Let’s start with our national motto. Nobody remembers what e pluribus unum means, anyway, because we’re way to busy pouring syrup on our hotcakes to be studying Latin. Let’s replace it with a phrase everybody can get behind:
“Sure, I’ll have fries with that.”
That belongs on the money.
Now a new study is out, and both the US and Mexico are being left in the dust by…EGYPT!
Yes, the land of the Pharaohs now boasts of the biggest bellies and the jiggliest thighs on the planet. When you stop building pyramids, you're bound to put on a little weight is what I figure.
True believers in American exceptionalism are aghast, and the more determined among them are already planning weekends that consist of watching My 600 Pound Life with while drinking a 30-pack of PBR and ordering stuffed-crust pizza for every meal, just to put American back in front.
But it may already be too late. Planetary lardassedness is spreading into every continent. Fat Frenchmen, round Russians, porky Poles and beefy Brazilians are straining the scales in both hemispheres. Knock-offs of American fat reality shows are already popular on the Continent (Mein 272.155 Kilo Leben) and foreign fat people are swallowing strudel and downing those huge, 15-pound mugs of beer with the stupid hinged lids on top as fast as they can just so they can get on TV.
Meanwhile, Australians are getting so large that their whole continent is in danger of slipping south towards Antarctica. You hardly ever used to see a fat Asian, but now they’re chunking out to emulate the fat Asian, Kim Jong-un, in hopes that their dads will leave them a desperately impoverished little nation that they can rule with an iron fist, too.
It’s not too late, America. We can still come out on top. For one thing, we still have the fattest kids on earth, and, like the late Whitney Houston, I believe the children are the future. Teach them well, and feed them hot fudge sundaes.
Until they grow into their adult weight, though, it’s up to us. We are the country that invented deep-fried butter and chocolate-covered bacon, after all. We pioneered the concept of the doughnut cheeseburger. American ingenuity has won a lot of these international competitions already. The space race, the arms race, America’s cup races (sure, not so many of them lately) all ended up in the win column for the USA.
It just requires national commitment and inspirational leadership. Let’s start with our national motto. Nobody remembers what e pluribus unum means, anyway, because we’re way to busy pouring syrup on our hotcakes to be studying Latin. Let’s replace it with a phrase everybody can get behind:
“Sure, I’ll have fries with that.”
That belongs on the money.
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