Joe, before we get started, I haven’t talked to you in five years. Where you been?
“Prison. Accidentally spent some campaign funds on a four-month bender in Monte Carlo. It was all a misunderstanding, but the Deep State prosecuted me in a clear case of political vindictiveness. But Trump pardoned me, so I’m all cool now. Here’s where we in the GOP stand.
“Unemployment, civil unrest and most of all the virus, the virus, the virus, will all be entirely Joe Biden’s doing by the time 60 Minutes comes on on Sunday. Economy going back in the shitter? Biden. Bands of pointy-headed lunatics trashing DC? Again, Biden. Why wouldn’t he make nice with them and agree he wouldn’t be President except for George Soros’ help? 500,000 dead from the ‘rona by February? What did Biden do to stop that? And we in the GOP have ordered literally crates of hankies so we can start crying over the deficit again.”
What about all the Republican calls to national unity?
“National unity means letting Trump off the hook for everything he ever did, while kicking Joe Biden in his 78-year-old testicles for anything he tries to do. That’s the definition of national reconciliation. Don’t you watch Hannity?
Not that often. What about Republican disunity? Isn’t Trump splitting the party on his way out the door?
“Again, you libs are exaggerating the problem. True, there are different viewpoints among the Republican faithful. There’s the wing of the Republican party that thinks that true liberty is making sure a woman has to go at least 500 miles to get an abortion, that rich people already do enough for this country by having really nice properties that you’d better not set foot on, unless you’re there to cut the grass, to be asked to pay much in taxes, and that old people living on a thousand bucks a month in Social Security are a bigger drain on society than drug companies that charge $500 bucks a month for insulin.
“On the other hand, you’ve got the Republicans who think that all Democrats and everybody in California are pedophile members of a giant worldwide conspiracy that includes 5G, Venezuela and Bill Gates, and that white people are so horribly oppressed nowadays that the only solution for them is to band together and carry automatic weapons in public. Many of these Republicans, who use to confine their violent stupidities to their homes, or tailgate parties at college football games, or to dive bars with at least three light beers on tap, are fresh to the political scene. We don’t want to dampen their new-found enthusiasm for the Republican cause by pointing out that some of their ideas are about as likely as Jeff Bezos having trouble coming up with the money for his cable bill. Just stay on the shooting range and away from our country clubs is all we ask.”
Actually, those seem like pretty intractable differences. Are you sure the GOP won’t split into two, Regular Republicans Who Try to Bore You into Not Noticing They’re Stealing from You, and Shoot Up the Statehouse Republicans?
“No, but I like those names. No, Republicans will stay united, because we all fight against the same thing.”
Let me guess—socialism?
“You’re not as dumb as you look, pal.”