We’re midway through October, so it’s time for the Christian right to get hysterical about Halloween. We’re not them, so we don’t bother with it much. A couple years ago, I dressed as Mr. Clean, having the hairstyle for it, and went to a pub with my Chihuahua. The dog was sporting a few strands of yarn crocheted together by my girl, and made a pretty convincing mop. We had a fine time. The dog behaved himself well. Fortunately. No one wants to hear the phrase, “Hey, your mop just pooped on the floor.”
We haven’t done much since, though. Our immediate neighborhood is pretty devoid of children. If we could count on at least a few tykes showing up dressed as goblins or celebrities, we would carve a pumpkin and give out some candy. Our neighbors, for the most part, are busy bankrupting the government collecting extra Social Security by living to ages even more advanced than my own. Even their great-grandchildren are old enough to drink.
No kids are going to be showing up at our door, but to be on the safe side, we leave the porch light off. If a misguided Halloweener knocks on it anyway, I’m sure we could find something to give the child. A slice of baloney, or a shot glass full of beer, maybe.
Accidentally, we behave as some Christian families are instructed to behave, which is to shun all trick-or-treating as a form of idolatry. They kneel on the rug and pray All Hallows Eve away, praying louder if some beggar after a sugar rush knocks on their door. Pastor John Ramirez, in particular, is violently against Halloween.
The Pastor claims to be an ex-Satanist, who died and went to Hell, met Satan there, but also met Jesus, who was apparently slumming in Hades that day, and returned to life a full-blown Christian, which means, like all of his kind, he is a full-blown party pooper. Christians who participate in Halloween are having a one-night stand with the Prince of Darkness, according to Brother John.
You heard him--that five-year-old girl dressed as a Star Wars princess, knocking on your door looking for a mini-Three Musketeers bar, is snacking with Satan. No matter how cute her curls or innocent her face, she is embracing Baphomet.
Ramirez is not unique in having talked to the Evil One. I have myself, both in person, but mostly on Skype. I haven’t chatted with Beelzebub, recently, though, because he strictly uses Microsoft Teams now. I see his point—going all Microsoft makes your world a more hellish place, as anyone who is forced to use Word or Outlook knows—but I don’t endorse it.
My impression of Satan is that he is like any middle-aged (although I’m aware eternal beings can’t actually be middle-aged) person, who, though successful in their field, has gnawing doubts about their career choice and is plagued by “what ifs.” His attention to his job wanders, and his imps have unionized. He couldn’t care less about Halloween, or most things, and is constantly trying to shunt souls away from Hell, which is dangerously overcrowded, mostly on account of free porn and Republicans.
He'd just as soon leave the holiday to candy manufacturers and John Ramirez. They’re the ones making money off of it, after all.
We haven’t done much since, though. Our immediate neighborhood is pretty devoid of children. If we could count on at least a few tykes showing up dressed as goblins or celebrities, we would carve a pumpkin and give out some candy. Our neighbors, for the most part, are busy bankrupting the government collecting extra Social Security by living to ages even more advanced than my own. Even their great-grandchildren are old enough to drink.
No kids are going to be showing up at our door, but to be on the safe side, we leave the porch light off. If a misguided Halloweener knocks on it anyway, I’m sure we could find something to give the child. A slice of baloney, or a shot glass full of beer, maybe.
Accidentally, we behave as some Christian families are instructed to behave, which is to shun all trick-or-treating as a form of idolatry. They kneel on the rug and pray All Hallows Eve away, praying louder if some beggar after a sugar rush knocks on their door. Pastor John Ramirez, in particular, is violently against Halloween.
The Pastor claims to be an ex-Satanist, who died and went to Hell, met Satan there, but also met Jesus, who was apparently slumming in Hades that day, and returned to life a full-blown Christian, which means, like all of his kind, he is a full-blown party pooper. Christians who participate in Halloween are having a one-night stand with the Prince of Darkness, according to Brother John.
You heard him--that five-year-old girl dressed as a Star Wars princess, knocking on your door looking for a mini-Three Musketeers bar, is snacking with Satan. No matter how cute her curls or innocent her face, she is embracing Baphomet.
Ramirez is not unique in having talked to the Evil One. I have myself, both in person, but mostly on Skype. I haven’t chatted with Beelzebub, recently, though, because he strictly uses Microsoft Teams now. I see his point—going all Microsoft makes your world a more hellish place, as anyone who is forced to use Word or Outlook knows—but I don’t endorse it.
My impression of Satan is that he is like any middle-aged (although I’m aware eternal beings can’t actually be middle-aged) person, who, though successful in their field, has gnawing doubts about their career choice and is plagued by “what ifs.” His attention to his job wanders, and his imps have unionized. He couldn’t care less about Halloween, or most things, and is constantly trying to shunt souls away from Hell, which is dangerously overcrowded, mostly on account of free porn and Republicans.
He'd just as soon leave the holiday to candy manufacturers and John Ramirez. They’re the ones making money off of it, after all.
RSS Feed
