Leading connoisseurs of End of Days predictions say the Mayan-predicted final days of earth in December of this year are one of the most dismal, anticlimactic anticipated apocalypses ever.
"What you'd expect from the Mayans," one critic said. "They gave up a once-great civilization to just hang around in the jungle. The original pre-Columbian slackers is what they are, blithely predicting the end of the world in a couple thousand years and then just going back to planting squash and beans. Pretty damn irresponsible, if not outright boring."
Another end-times savvy savant agreed, although in the Mayans' defense, he added, "We're only a year away from one of the greatest apocalypses ever, the Harold Camping 2011 scheduled Rapture. We had people buying ads on billboards, people selling their homes and driving around the country in RV's all trying to persuade us that Jesus was standing on the doormat of humanity's destiny. Sure, they gave us great entertainment value, but these were Americans with high-speed Internet connections and what they regarded as pointless retirement accounts to spend. The Mayans are poor, Third World subsistence farmers. Probably many of them don't even know they've predicted the end of Earth."
Another expert was less charitable. "So what? Anybody can talk the Armageddon talk, but they've got to walk the Doomsday walk. The Hale-Boppers set the standard there, buying new Nikes and poisoning themselves to get their message across. The Mayans have plenty of old pyramids that could be spruced up in time for human sacrifices to celebrate the final ka-boom! Clean out the old blood-gutters and sharpen up those obsidian knives! Just do it!"
Although a genuine Mayan could not be located to comment on these allegations, a travel agent noted that bookings for trips to the Mayan heartland were sharply up starting in December 2012. "Apparently, some people feel that Mayan country is the place to be when the cosmos implodes, although it seems logical to expect that you're going to have a nice view of Earth's final moment wherever you happen to be. The Mayans are traditionally a very hospitable people. Just remember, if they start slinging squash at you, you're probably standing in their yard. Don't be offended. They're entitled to make a few bucks off of their End Times. Nobody paid them for that lousy movie, and they don't make a dime off those all those rambling websites. They've finally got the rest of humanity's attention with their uniquely Central American tale of final annihilation, and it's their fifteen minutes, even if it happens to be the last fifteen minutes. The final cataclysm could be great for the Mayans. It's their chance to cash in. If they don't, it's a shame, but…"
Go ahead, say it.
"But it's not like it’s the end of the world."