“Just like mifepristone, the use of Narcan is interfering with God’s will,” said a spokesman for the GOP. “When the Lord decides it’s time for that dude who shoots up behind the monument every weekend to come home to Jesus, it’s not the taxpayer’s responsibility to make sure he gets a pass from cops carrying emergency Narcan. Just let him stand before the Throne of Judgement while our police force focuses on its main duties, writing tickets for busted taillights and manning that speed trap at the city limits so the judge can afford to gas up his bass boat.
“Same thing for people who want to get Narcan at the Rite-Aid because they don’t know what’s in the wacky weed they think their kid is smoking in the rec room, only that it smells like the taxidermist’s does when he opens the door. They think a drug will solve their problems, but It’s plain the problem is they didn’t take him to church enough when he was growing up. It’s time for them to drop to their knees and beg the Lord for forgiveness when they find their boy turning blue underneath the head of that twelve-point buck his grandpa bagged in ‘58. Anything else means they’re just enablers, and like the pastor at the Creekside Church of Jesus’s Ever-Flowing Love says, there’s nothing that God hates more than enablers, except for homos, of course.
“It’s the exact same situation as when 14-year-old girl gets pregnant by her half-brother in the tool shed while her momma is working a double at Dollar General. That’s the mysterious ways of Providence asserting themselves. Of course, that half-brother is a little touched and it’s likely that gift from God that is on its way as a result of that sacred moment will never be able to count higher than four, or be trained to wear pants, but the Lord loves that genetic misfit as much as He loves you, me, or Kid Rock, and no legal morning-after pill should keep him from being born to praise Jesus.
“And we never know. That child could easily overcome its genetic burden and grow up to be a useful member of society, or at least learn to cook meth or run pills in from Florida like his daddy.
“We are all subject to the workings of the mysterious ways of the Almighty. Y'all got to admit that. Unless you’re a Democrat.”