So, you want to be an alpha male. Good for you! It has never been a better era for alpha males. In olden times, which you should look back on fondly as an alpha, alpha malehood was achieved by conquest of other nations or massive murders in your own. Genghis Khan. Alexander. Napoleon. Vlad Dracula.
Thank God, all you have to do nowadays is proclaim yourself an alpha on the Internet, and there you are! A fully dominant guy-dude. Think Charlie Kirk. Matt Walsh. Nick Adams. These are men who loudly claim their alpha status on the Web, in podcasts, and on right-wing networks with other headlines like “Is Hillary Clinton a Pedophile or a Drug Fiend?”
But, you need to follow the rules. Let’s go through them.
First off, don’t care about women, especially their feelings, and, even worse, their orgasms. You can collect women. You can discard them. You can complain about the sandwiches you command them to make.
There are certain women you are required to despise. Greta Thunberg, Barbie, Taylor Swift, even though Barbie is not a real woman. She is either a doll or a movie, depending on how old you are. Call Thunberg anything you want. Even “little retard” is not beyond the pale. Call Taylor Swift anything you want, too. Just make sure you are a least a plane flight away from her boyfriend, Travis Kelce, when you do, because he could beat you into bean paste.
Does that make Travis Kelce an alpha? No. He probably cares about Swift’s orgasms. Deal-breaker. Instead, reserve your admiration for other, alphi-er sports figures, like ayahuasca-addled Aaron Rodgers and Brett Favre, who crowned himself alpha when he embezzled food-stamp money to build a soccer stadium.
You need to be a Christian. This may seem counter-intuitive. Why shouldn’t an alpha worship gods like Thor, Odin and Zeus, gods who make ready use of hammers and thunderbolts to destroy their enemies, instead of that turn-the-other-cheek guy, Jesus Christ? Well, Christ won out over those other supernatural beings in the end, which makes Him dominant, despite some of his squishy public statements. He never actually said, “Establish the patriarchy,” but guess what? He did. Also, you can read all the Norse and Roman legends you want, and you’ll never see an account of goddesses Hera or Frieda making anybody a sandwich.
Obviously, you can worry that this smears the reputation of historical alphas like Julius Caesar, who did his alpha-ing BC. Calm down. Back then, you didn’t have to be Christian to be alpha. Conquering Gaul did the trick. Also, having fifteen of your best friends stab you to death is an alpha way to go, for sure, and, thanks to the power of the Internet, you probably have at least fifteen people who would like to kill you right now. Revel in it.
Above all, enjoy the power of whining. Whining was not permitted for historical alphas. Tamerlane conquered Asia without complaining about the work of beheading whole cities. William the Conqueror seized Saxon England without bitching about having to learn a new language. Sir Francis Drake circumnavigated the globe without pissing and moaning about scurvy and syphilis.
But we alphas of the modern era have the freedom to whine, thanks to our iconic hero, Donald Trump, who never ceases to complain about the circumstances that have made him possibly a billionaire and the most powerful Republican on Earth. Winge constantly. Whimper when you go out to dinner and people attack you for being an asshole while you are trying to enjoy some alpha food, like baby lamb chops or a whole ox haunch. Complain loudly when some feminist denigrates your whole existence in some putrid liberal rag like Vanity Fair. Cry in your beer all you want, although make sure you’re not crying into a Bud Light.
Above all, bully. Don’t call it that, though. It’s just exercising your tendency to be dominant. Sneer at the weak. Park in the handicapped spot. Make fun of foreigners and their accents. Shrug your shoulders at school shootings. Shove short people out of your way. Kick stray dogs.
After all, the world is yours. But, to be on the safe side, clasp your AR-15 to your bosom at night.
Thank God, all you have to do nowadays is proclaim yourself an alpha on the Internet, and there you are! A fully dominant guy-dude. Think Charlie Kirk. Matt Walsh. Nick Adams. These are men who loudly claim their alpha status on the Web, in podcasts, and on right-wing networks with other headlines like “Is Hillary Clinton a Pedophile or a Drug Fiend?”
But, you need to follow the rules. Let’s go through them.
First off, don’t care about women, especially their feelings, and, even worse, their orgasms. You can collect women. You can discard them. You can complain about the sandwiches you command them to make.
There are certain women you are required to despise. Greta Thunberg, Barbie, Taylor Swift, even though Barbie is not a real woman. She is either a doll or a movie, depending on how old you are. Call Thunberg anything you want. Even “little retard” is not beyond the pale. Call Taylor Swift anything you want, too. Just make sure you are a least a plane flight away from her boyfriend, Travis Kelce, when you do, because he could beat you into bean paste.
Does that make Travis Kelce an alpha? No. He probably cares about Swift’s orgasms. Deal-breaker. Instead, reserve your admiration for other, alphi-er sports figures, like ayahuasca-addled Aaron Rodgers and Brett Favre, who crowned himself alpha when he embezzled food-stamp money to build a soccer stadium.
You need to be a Christian. This may seem counter-intuitive. Why shouldn’t an alpha worship gods like Thor, Odin and Zeus, gods who make ready use of hammers and thunderbolts to destroy their enemies, instead of that turn-the-other-cheek guy, Jesus Christ? Well, Christ won out over those other supernatural beings in the end, which makes Him dominant, despite some of his squishy public statements. He never actually said, “Establish the patriarchy,” but guess what? He did. Also, you can read all the Norse and Roman legends you want, and you’ll never see an account of goddesses Hera or Frieda making anybody a sandwich.
Obviously, you can worry that this smears the reputation of historical alphas like Julius Caesar, who did his alpha-ing BC. Calm down. Back then, you didn’t have to be Christian to be alpha. Conquering Gaul did the trick. Also, having fifteen of your best friends stab you to death is an alpha way to go, for sure, and, thanks to the power of the Internet, you probably have at least fifteen people who would like to kill you right now. Revel in it.
Above all, enjoy the power of whining. Whining was not permitted for historical alphas. Tamerlane conquered Asia without complaining about the work of beheading whole cities. William the Conqueror seized Saxon England without bitching about having to learn a new language. Sir Francis Drake circumnavigated the globe without pissing and moaning about scurvy and syphilis.
But we alphas of the modern era have the freedom to whine, thanks to our iconic hero, Donald Trump, who never ceases to complain about the circumstances that have made him possibly a billionaire and the most powerful Republican on Earth. Winge constantly. Whimper when you go out to dinner and people attack you for being an asshole while you are trying to enjoy some alpha food, like baby lamb chops or a whole ox haunch. Complain loudly when some feminist denigrates your whole existence in some putrid liberal rag like Vanity Fair. Cry in your beer all you want, although make sure you’re not crying into a Bud Light.
Above all, bully. Don’t call it that, though. It’s just exercising your tendency to be dominant. Sneer at the weak. Park in the handicapped spot. Make fun of foreigners and their accents. Shrug your shoulders at school shootings. Shove short people out of your way. Kick stray dogs.
After all, the world is yours. But, to be on the safe side, clasp your AR-15 to your bosom at night.
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