WHO has been blamed by Trump for the spread of the virus in the United States, although he hasn’t quite come out and said how, or claimed that everybody in WHO was out golfing or having rallies when they should have been worried about the coronavirus coming over from China and hitting us like a Walmart truck full of cheap plastic shit made in Wuhan.
Meanwhile, both Trump and DeSantis agree that professional wrestling has got to go on, although professional wrestlers themselves are pretty doubtful about performing because if there’s one thing professional wrestling is not about, it’s social distancing. Their concerns were dismissed by a spokesman for DeSantis, who said:
“The comparison between claiming WHO is not essential and claiming that the WWE is essential is apples and oranges, baby. The fact is, Americans trust large, sweaty men hitting each other with furniture much more than they trust brown doctors with funny foreign accents. The reason we turned down those free testing kits from WHO is that the guy who was pushing them talked just like the guy that owns your 7-11. I mean, he’s fine to buy some beef jerky from, but sophisticated medical technology? Turns out the joke was on us, of course—our tests didn’t work, so 60,000 Americans are likely to end up dead, but we’re hoping you’re going to blame WHO instead of Trump, because, you know, he needs to get re-elected, otherwise, socialism.
“And the people who are most likely to vote for Trump if they live through this correspond pretty closely with the people who think professional wrestling is a real sport. Educated people, or even people who can halfway spell, look at the WWE and see a bunch of staged, badly over-acted, fixed matches. There just not the MAGA crowd, all right? But the committed Trump voter likes nothing more than watching big guys wearing tiny underpants pulling punches and pretending to be in so much pain that they don’t notice their opponent climbing up to the roof of the stadium to body-slam them from thirty feet high.
“You stand in the courtyard of any trailer park in Florida during Monday Night Raw and hear the cheering and the chortling coming from inside the cramped, tinny homes of real Americans without health insurance, and it just warms your heart. As our Governor said, these people need fresh content. How do you expect them to self-quarantine without it? There’s only so many NASCAR reruns you can watch.
“We got to take care of the base, baby. Our people don’t care that a lot of turban-wearing doctors are desperately trying to stem a deadly disease, or that some Nigerian biologist who talks like he ought to be driving an Uber is working on a vaccine, and that none of them can cash their paycheck. They care about Mojo Rawley and Samoa Joe, because to them, they’re real athletes.
“Just like Donald Trump is a real President. Case closed.”