In this column's Wisdom of the Ancients department, I take note of 99-year-old Grandpa Cheese, whose 25 Life Lessons were recently publicized in a Huffpo post.
Over here, we do not necessarily feel that it takes 99 years to learn something worth repeating, but people get sentimental about near-centenarians, especially ones that aren't in Depends yet, and can still occasionally remember some important things, like their kid's names and the fact they aren't allowed to drive anymore. They come flocking to the extraordinarily aged for wisdom like pigeons flocking for Bacon Bits, even though everybody knows at least one person who could live to be a thousand and still wouldn't be any smarter than brushing your teeth with a handgun.
Grandpa Cheese came to public note because his great-granddaughter writes for PopSugar, an Internet organ whose headline at this writing was "Find Out What Sofia Vergara Is Giving This Holiday Season."
I don't care what Sofia Vergara is giving this holiday season, unless it's her phone number to me. So keep in mind the 25 Life Lessons endorsed by Grandpa Cheese and PopSugar are exactly that, life lessons put forth by people named Grandpa Cheese and PopSugar, not people named Hegel and Kant, or Faulkner and Hemingway, or even Penn and Teller, and that does show.
Grandpa Cheese starts off nicely. Number 1 is "Always have a sense of humor about everything." I would amend this to "nearly everything." If you have been attacked by terrorists and are watching your major organs from some distance away, failing to find humor in the situation is allowed here, although you may hear some tut-tut-ting from Grandpa Cheese as your life drains away.
Number 5, "Drink orange juice every day," sounds good, from a vitamin C perspective, but number 10, "Eat sausage every day," isn't getting a thumbs-up from the people who built the Food Pyramid, and number 8, "Eat around the mold; don't go wasting food," is just disgusting. Other food-related advice is contained in number 11, "Your life is delicate, and if you neglect yourself, you'll spoil. That's what cheese taught me."
This ability to listen to cheese must come at a more advanced age than I have yet attained. What I have learned from cheese is that when you open your refrigerator after being away for three weeks, the cottage is going to be a lot hairier than the cheddar.
What I have learned from cheesesteaks, on the other hand, is that if you hold one too perpendicularly, some of its nutritious grease is going to start dripping down your arm.
Does that count as wisdom? I don't know. All of my life has been lived in the silence of the cheese.
Number 17 is "Find something comical in every single situation." I would add to this "And then keep it to yourself." Nobody likes a smart-ass.
Number 7 is "Having a bad job is better than having no job at all." Well, not for everybody. Paris Hilton seems content just having a dog and a chauffeur. Don't expect her chanting "Welcome to Walmart" in lieu of shopping in London anytime soon. Leonardo DiCaprio, whose employment status can best be described as a part-time contract worker, recently broke up in public with his girlfriend and every single other woman in the restaurant where the breakup occurred followed him out of it, presumably with an eye to shagging him during the hour or two that was bound to elapse before he got another. Trust me; the guy is not logging onto Craigslist every day to see if he can better his situation.
Number 13 is where Grandpa Cheese falls completely off the bandwagon of wisdom and into the muck of common idiocy, as he asserts "Everyone has too many clothes. Wear what you have and quit buying more." This works fine for us guys, unless we happen to own clothing mills staffed by slave labor in the Far East, but apparently even at 99, Grandpa Cheese has failed to figure out we are only half of the human race. It says in Huffpo that he was married for seventy years before his wife passed away, so he must have noticed at some point that no woman ever has enough clothes, particularly if you let her leave the house. So I'm thinking that Grandpa Cheese allowed Mrs. Cheese to update her wardrobe periodically, otherwise he wouldn't have any grandchildren to pass his wisdom to at all.
He's just forgotten. He's 99, after all. And he still has enough of his marbles left to know better than to say "Everybody has too many shoes."
For the complete list, click here
Over here, we do not necessarily feel that it takes 99 years to learn something worth repeating, but people get sentimental about near-centenarians, especially ones that aren't in Depends yet, and can still occasionally remember some important things, like their kid's names and the fact they aren't allowed to drive anymore. They come flocking to the extraordinarily aged for wisdom like pigeons flocking for Bacon Bits, even though everybody knows at least one person who could live to be a thousand and still wouldn't be any smarter than brushing your teeth with a handgun.
Grandpa Cheese came to public note because his great-granddaughter writes for PopSugar, an Internet organ whose headline at this writing was "Find Out What Sofia Vergara Is Giving This Holiday Season."
I don't care what Sofia Vergara is giving this holiday season, unless it's her phone number to me. So keep in mind the 25 Life Lessons endorsed by Grandpa Cheese and PopSugar are exactly that, life lessons put forth by people named Grandpa Cheese and PopSugar, not people named Hegel and Kant, or Faulkner and Hemingway, or even Penn and Teller, and that does show.
Grandpa Cheese starts off nicely. Number 1 is "Always have a sense of humor about everything." I would amend this to "nearly everything." If you have been attacked by terrorists and are watching your major organs from some distance away, failing to find humor in the situation is allowed here, although you may hear some tut-tut-ting from Grandpa Cheese as your life drains away.
Number 5, "Drink orange juice every day," sounds good, from a vitamin C perspective, but number 10, "Eat sausage every day," isn't getting a thumbs-up from the people who built the Food Pyramid, and number 8, "Eat around the mold; don't go wasting food," is just disgusting. Other food-related advice is contained in number 11, "Your life is delicate, and if you neglect yourself, you'll spoil. That's what cheese taught me."
This ability to listen to cheese must come at a more advanced age than I have yet attained. What I have learned from cheese is that when you open your refrigerator after being away for three weeks, the cottage is going to be a lot hairier than the cheddar.
What I have learned from cheesesteaks, on the other hand, is that if you hold one too perpendicularly, some of its nutritious grease is going to start dripping down your arm.
Does that count as wisdom? I don't know. All of my life has been lived in the silence of the cheese.
Number 17 is "Find something comical in every single situation." I would add to this "And then keep it to yourself." Nobody likes a smart-ass.
Number 7 is "Having a bad job is better than having no job at all." Well, not for everybody. Paris Hilton seems content just having a dog and a chauffeur. Don't expect her chanting "Welcome to Walmart" in lieu of shopping in London anytime soon. Leonardo DiCaprio, whose employment status can best be described as a part-time contract worker, recently broke up in public with his girlfriend and every single other woman in the restaurant where the breakup occurred followed him out of it, presumably with an eye to shagging him during the hour or two that was bound to elapse before he got another. Trust me; the guy is not logging onto Craigslist every day to see if he can better his situation.
Number 13 is where Grandpa Cheese falls completely off the bandwagon of wisdom and into the muck of common idiocy, as he asserts "Everyone has too many clothes. Wear what you have and quit buying more." This works fine for us guys, unless we happen to own clothing mills staffed by slave labor in the Far East, but apparently even at 99, Grandpa Cheese has failed to figure out we are only half of the human race. It says in Huffpo that he was married for seventy years before his wife passed away, so he must have noticed at some point that no woman ever has enough clothes, particularly if you let her leave the house. So I'm thinking that Grandpa Cheese allowed Mrs. Cheese to update her wardrobe periodically, otherwise he wouldn't have any grandchildren to pass his wisdom to at all.
He's just forgotten. He's 99, after all. And he still has enough of his marbles left to know better than to say "Everybody has too many shoes."
For the complete list, click here
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