Other Presidents have been rumored to have had bastard children before, and some undoubtedly had them—Thomas Jefferson took the “father” part of his Founding Father gig pretty seriously, and had a whole batch of them with one of his slaves. Arnold Schwarzenegger did the exact same thing this story has Trump doing, probably about the same time, but he was only the governor.
Let’s face it, there’s something about a woman cleaning under the sink that makes some men want to drop their trousers. Knowing Trump, that housekeeper was probably an immigrant, because that’s all he hires for menial labor. They work cheaper and are less likely to complain about being bent over the banquet table.
But before this man-child or girl-child’s identity is uncovered by the enemy of the people, also known as CNN, and discovered to be mundanely attending community college in his or her mother’s native Costa Rica, where he or she was deported by Obama, we can construct a backstory for them freely. Let’s model it on Game of Thrones:
Young Don Snow, knowing nothing of his noble ancestry, drifts to the North, where he becomes the leader of a band of men whose hobbies include constant fighting with the neighbors, sword battles with polar bears and building ice walls. Becoming aware of a great army of the undead, which are eventually revealed to be a battalion of bots and Internet trolls led by the maleficent Vladimir Putin, Don Snow travels south to warn the Fifty States of the threat on their northern doorstep.
The King pooh-poohs the threat, thinking that he can eliminate it with a simple trade war. Besides, he has his own problems to deal with—Lord Mueller the Relentless, the plotting eunuch Sessions, and the whole House of the Justice. More than a faint hint of incest exists between him and his daughter Ivanka, which desire has to be concealed from the evil Queen Melania the Partially Nude, and their oafish son Barron.
Frustrated by his secret father’s irresoluteness, Don Snow finds himself an ally in a blonde hottie who has her own dragons, army and dwarf, and a string of titles longer than a Super Bowl halftime show—Flash Flood Warning Born, Naked in the Campfire Girl, Khaleesi of All Bong Hits , Hater of Bagpipes, Breaker of Beer Mugs and Ring-Ting-Tingler of the Bermuda Triangle. Together they join forces to battle the undead bots of Putin, which the King is still blind to, and to wrestle the Fifty States out of his corrupt grip…
Well, maybe. They haven’t aired the final episodes of Game of Thrones yet. But since the Terminator from the Future hasn’t showed up to whack Trump as of this writing, a powerful blonde with her own brown army of undocumented immigrants may be our last and best hope.
Pass the popcorn.