Didn’t turn out that way, but it did kinda sorta turn out that way, mostly for the fact that Trump turned out to be the loser. Not only the loser, but the BIGGEST LOSER. Not only the biggest loser, but the BIGGEST, SOREST, MOST INSANELY DELUSIONAL LOSER since George #3 lost the American colonies. Trump lost, and he wasn’t cheated out of the election, because he was running against Joe Biden, who got seven million more votes than him. He wasn’t running against the Houston Astros.
Other losers were obvious, however. Like the pollsters, who told us 57% of the American people hated Trump. Turned out that at least 5% of the people who hated Trump voted for him anyway, because they were afraid of one of the other election’s big losers, SOCIALISM. Republicans managed to convince those people that any effort to make the government beneficial for anybody who doesn't own at least one island would cause the USA to become Venezuela overnight.
Also, DEFUND THE POLICE. After the summer’s demonstrations over police killings of unarmed black people, other people were understandably upset that the cops confronting those unarmed demonstrators seemed to have better warfighting gear than Seal Team Six. They translated that into Defund the Police, which many voters took to mean that if and when an angry armed person (usually a family member) starts banging on their door in the middle of the night, they would have to call a social worker on them. Republicans won those votes.
But there were winners, too, besides Joe. GLOATING is always big after an election, but even so, Democrats can’t gloat like Trumpers. Where were the BIDEN—FUCK YOUR FEELINGS t-shirts when I wanted to buy one? Where are the JOE WON GET OVER IT t-shirts now? It’s getting cold outside, even here in sunny Southern Cal. A man needs outer garments.
Also winning—PANTSUITS. VP-to-be Kamala Harris rocks ‘em, in a way Hilary couldn’t quite sort out.
Speaking of coming out on top, let’s not forget old right-wing nuts like TED NUGENT and KID ROCK, whose alternate-reality ramblings and occasional threats to shoot Democrats will now be able to be heard, sometimes, above the wall of sound that is Trump’s Twitter feed. Don’t forget Q-ANON, either—the conspiracy theory that acquires more believers every day, despite the fact that its theories have not predicted anything that actually happened once, ever.
The results of the election are not quite clear for a few of the big players on the America stage yet. I’m talking about MITCH MCCONNELL and COVID-19, of course. “Ahh,” you say. “How fitting, because both of them are always eager to destroy the American economy and consume American lives.” Covid-19 is facing both a vaccine threat and a new President who doesn’t pretend that it’s not a problem, but it’s got a 300,000 dead people start in its quest to kill more people than the Spanish flu did a hundred years ago (500,000). And Trump’s going to keep having rallies.
McConnell’s got to hope the people of Georgia are more afraid of SOCIALISM than they are of him strangling the American economy until the Republicans win an election again.
That’s about an even bet.