When I stand there, alone with my decision, in my polling place on Tuesday, trying to make up my mind which of two men I want to be thwarted by Congress, attacked every day in the media, plotted against by countless enemies at home and abroad and caricatured by everyone in the world who can draw anything more complicated than a smiley face for the next four years, I will be guided by only one principle:
Which of these guys is going to provide me with more comic fodder?
ROMNEY! ROMNEY! ROMNEY! my Republican friends chant, and I am sorely tempted. The Governor has shown ample talent for becoming the butt of jokes, far more than his opponent. What more could I want than a man who promises to balance the budget, whether he pays his own taxes or not? Who vows to get tough on China and Russia but admits to being afraid to be caught in the same room as Whoopi Goldberg?
A guy who finally settled on a campaign slogan two weeks before the election? It's "Big Change." I wonder how long his team struggled with such equally tempting bon mots as "Spare Change," "Loose Change" "Light Change" and "Pocket Change" before settling on "Big?"
In his own words, he's a severely conservative man who has binders full of women. Sounds like some dark-souled weirdo trolling on Craigslist instead of somebody running for President.
Still not convinced to vote Romney, my friends say? What about his wife Ann, a lady whose lack of common touch is matched only by inanimate objects at planetary distances, like the Mars Rover? What about his religion, the only worldwide faith founded by a natural American con man? What about his bold vision for government, i.e., one in which it is no use whatsoever to the people it governs but cost trillions anyway? What about the only political skill for which he has demonstrated a real flair, getting caught lying?
How can you not vote for this man?
Because I'm afraid his friends will shut up.
Tasked with governance, or at least dismantling it, can we count on the Republicans to still regale us with earnest tales of the mysterious ways of God and His buddies, the world's rapists?
Will the mad birthers still spout off? Will they insist that it is illegal for an ex-President to have been born in Kenya? I fear not.
Will sweet old ladies who call Obama a socialist or a Communist without being able to explain what socialism or Communism is, or complain bitterly about the government interfering with Medicare still have their comments publicly recorded? I expect a lengthy, unfunny silence from them.
Will Texas secede? Negative. Will The Tea Party continue to hunker down with guns and ammo at the ready, waiting for the United Nations to invade? Nope.
Will Paul Ryan find enough work to keep him busy, or will he end up on "Dancing with the Stars?" Okay, if he dances like all the Catholic guys I went to Catholic school with before they kicked me out, that would be pretty funny. And will Rush Limbaugh stop calling women who want their insurance companies to pay for contraceptives the same way they pay for his Viagra "sluts?" No way. I can count on Rush.
So whichever way it goes, it's not going to be all bad. The Republic will survive, and so will I. Maybe a Romney Presidency will be so lost, vapid and incompetent that it will have us sobbing with mirth from Inauguration Day until the next foolish Democrat attains the Oval Office. Foolish because he or she will then be gifted with the blame for any and all problems Republicans might have caused. By the Republicans.
And then the gay-bashers, the one-percenters, the chair-hangers, the transvaginal probers, the dinosaur-riders and immigrant-haters will be back. Right wing Christianity will beat its Bibles back into swords. The battle-cry of the loon and the instincts of the lemming will once again swell in the land.
Can't wait.
Which of these guys is going to provide me with more comic fodder?
ROMNEY! ROMNEY! ROMNEY! my Republican friends chant, and I am sorely tempted. The Governor has shown ample talent for becoming the butt of jokes, far more than his opponent. What more could I want than a man who promises to balance the budget, whether he pays his own taxes or not? Who vows to get tough on China and Russia but admits to being afraid to be caught in the same room as Whoopi Goldberg?
A guy who finally settled on a campaign slogan two weeks before the election? It's "Big Change." I wonder how long his team struggled with such equally tempting bon mots as "Spare Change," "Loose Change" "Light Change" and "Pocket Change" before settling on "Big?"
In his own words, he's a severely conservative man who has binders full of women. Sounds like some dark-souled weirdo trolling on Craigslist instead of somebody running for President.
Still not convinced to vote Romney, my friends say? What about his wife Ann, a lady whose lack of common touch is matched only by inanimate objects at planetary distances, like the Mars Rover? What about his religion, the only worldwide faith founded by a natural American con man? What about his bold vision for government, i.e., one in which it is no use whatsoever to the people it governs but cost trillions anyway? What about the only political skill for which he has demonstrated a real flair, getting caught lying?
How can you not vote for this man?
Because I'm afraid his friends will shut up.
Tasked with governance, or at least dismantling it, can we count on the Republicans to still regale us with earnest tales of the mysterious ways of God and His buddies, the world's rapists?
Will the mad birthers still spout off? Will they insist that it is illegal for an ex-President to have been born in Kenya? I fear not.
Will sweet old ladies who call Obama a socialist or a Communist without being able to explain what socialism or Communism is, or complain bitterly about the government interfering with Medicare still have their comments publicly recorded? I expect a lengthy, unfunny silence from them.
Will Texas secede? Negative. Will The Tea Party continue to hunker down with guns and ammo at the ready, waiting for the United Nations to invade? Nope.
Will Paul Ryan find enough work to keep him busy, or will he end up on "Dancing with the Stars?" Okay, if he dances like all the Catholic guys I went to Catholic school with before they kicked me out, that would be pretty funny. And will Rush Limbaugh stop calling women who want their insurance companies to pay for contraceptives the same way they pay for his Viagra "sluts?" No way. I can count on Rush.
So whichever way it goes, it's not going to be all bad. The Republic will survive, and so will I. Maybe a Romney Presidency will be so lost, vapid and incompetent that it will have us sobbing with mirth from Inauguration Day until the next foolish Democrat attains the Oval Office. Foolish because he or she will then be gifted with the blame for any and all problems Republicans might have caused. By the Republicans.
And then the gay-bashers, the one-percenters, the chair-hangers, the transvaginal probers, the dinosaur-riders and immigrant-haters will be back. Right wing Christianity will beat its Bibles back into swords. The battle-cry of the loon and the instincts of the lemming will once again swell in the land.
Can't wait.
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