You might observe a little extra hubris there, even by Trumpian standards, in the use of the definite article, since we have three other former Presidents currently, all with offices without “The” in their titles. But in Trump’s mind, he’s the only one that counts. Currently, the only thing the Office of the Former President is busy with is trying to open a Twitter account.
But the idea itself is a great one. We all deserve a former office. Mine would be the Office of the Former Corporate Employee, where I tell the questionable jokes and exhibit the sardonic humor that led my last office manager to fire me after four weeks on the job. If you want to retire with that gold watch, remember, “Are we doing this, now?” is no way to respond to tasks assigned you by your boss.
But a change of Administrations sets all kinds of people adrift, though Trump set many of them adrift before he actually flew off to Florida. At the end, he was said to be talking only to the My Pillow Guy and the woman that touches up his highlights. Just because his other loyalists were flung into the outer darkness of MAGA shame before that doesn’t mean they don’t deserve former offices of their own, though.
Office of the Former Mayor of New York, Ex-Unpaid Attorney for the President, and Ex-Scammer-at-Large in the Ukraine. Doesn’t Jolly Rudi deserve an ex-office of his own? There’s one available on the same street as Four Seasons Landscaping, where he can be served with papers on improbably large lawsuits and check if his dick’s hard enough to be worth tugging on out of the sight of Sasha Baron Cohen.
Office of the Former Press Secretary. Bubbly little liar Kayleigh McEnany left the White House only a few days before Trump, but being in the unemployment line hurts, no matter how little time you spend there, but this big, blue-eyed fabricator has nothing to do now beside spin up an occasional lie on Fox News and that only once a month, maybe.
Of course, in her case, as in the Former President situation, there are three other people that could claim the title as well, but only Kayleigh made us say, “Aw, isn’t she precious?” as she spit slander from the press room podium. Stephanie Grisham never actually held a press conference, Sarah Huckabee is going to confine her mendaciousness to the state of Arkansas as she prepares to be as useless and hateful a governor as her father was, and Sean Spicer went to Dancing with the Stars, a career move that says, “Please, please take me less seriously.” So, let’s give the office to Kayleigh.
Offices of the Ex-Senators from Georgia. How could two rich white people lose to a black guy and a Jew in Georgia? Because Trump screwed their re-election campaigns like they were Hope Hicks and her twin sister is why. There’s nothing like a nice, comfortable, richly appointed office with soothing background music in which to bury your hands in your faces and weep. Maybe they could share the space so that the Ex-Majority Leader of the Senate could stop by there for a good cry once in a while, too.
Speaking of Hope Hicks, are we going to have an Office of the Former Hot Presidential Assistant Whom Nobody Could Figure Out What Exactly She Did With Him to Give Her Boss the 'Rona But We Have Our Suspicions? No, probably not. But we may have...
Office of the Former Pornstar Who Fucked the President. Stormy Daniels will continue to make all the money she can from the fame she earned by succoring the mushroom that one time, but the cheese is bound to dwindle as the dotard moves into his dotage, and, who knows? She may have to go back into adult films. But that’s okay.
Trump, after all, thinks he’s going back to being President.