These people are going to be cool. Now that the election’s surprise result has hit the fan and been thoroughly sprayed all over this great nation, it’s time to pick those who are going to benefit for the next four years. Knowing that most of you rely on this column for economic forecasting, we here are proud to bring you a list of sure-fire winners as the USA becomes the US of T for at least one term, or possibly just the next few months. Adjust your portfolios accordingly.
The elevation of alt-right poohbah and constant scruff face Steve Bannon to the right hand of Trump means UNSHAVEN GUYS WHO HATE JEWS can count on four years of prosperity. These men dismay Jews and razor blade companies, but to the rest of us, they’ve just become part of the American family.
WASHED-UP OLD FRAUDS THAT NOBODY WAS PAYING ATTENTION TO ANYMORE, like Rudy Giuliani and Newt Gingrich, people who peaked in the last century but as recently as last year couldn’t draw a crowd in a dog park even if they wrapped themselves in raw bacon are coming back big time. Steven Seagal, Rick Astley and Chumbawamba may be next.
Political correctness takes a major hit, as FRAT BOYS WHO THROW RACIST-THEMED PARTIES will rock out until at least 2020. You and your bros who want to wear serapes and sombreros while you pound shots of tequila into the sorority girls you are scheming to pull the panties off of once they are unconscious can do so without fear of criticism until graduation day.
CONTRACTORS WHO SPECIALIZE INTO TURNING PLANNED PARENTHOOD CLINICS INTO 7-11’S are going to be big winners, needless to say, as are PEOPLE WHO ARE CURRENTLY SUING TRUMP. The business and the money are going to come rolling in for these groups. It’s bandwagon-jumping time for those of you who aren’t on board with either one.
ISIS—It’s been a bad couple of years for the caliphate, what with them slowly getting droned to death, but the anticipated increase in home-grown Muslims agitated by Trump giving ISIS credit for inspiring them to random mass murders should keep these Middle Eastern maniacs rolling in Facebook “likes” even as they get eliminated from their territory.
RUSSIA—Not since WW II has the Kremlin have such a friend in the White House. Putin’s on track to take back Eastern Europe, and he only has to promise to let Trump build a hotel in every capital for the US to step aside and let him do it. Trump Towers Budapest and Krakow are already on the drawing board.
WALL STREET—The elimination of regulations on the finance industry will mean they can embezzle whatever you have left in your IRA even faster and more completely, without fear of those big nasty fines they now occasionally have to pay.
BILLIONAIRES, JILLIONAIRES AND GAZILLIONAIRES—Paying lower taxes. Not lower taxes than Trump, though. You and me are not paying lower taxes than Trump. In fact, that’s why the man is foregoing the $400,000 or so the US pays its Commander-in-Chief.
He knew that once he filled out that W-9, he was going to have to start paying taxes.
The elevation of alt-right poohbah and constant scruff face Steve Bannon to the right hand of Trump means UNSHAVEN GUYS WHO HATE JEWS can count on four years of prosperity. These men dismay Jews and razor blade companies, but to the rest of us, they’ve just become part of the American family.
WASHED-UP OLD FRAUDS THAT NOBODY WAS PAYING ATTENTION TO ANYMORE, like Rudy Giuliani and Newt Gingrich, people who peaked in the last century but as recently as last year couldn’t draw a crowd in a dog park even if they wrapped themselves in raw bacon are coming back big time. Steven Seagal, Rick Astley and Chumbawamba may be next.
Political correctness takes a major hit, as FRAT BOYS WHO THROW RACIST-THEMED PARTIES will rock out until at least 2020. You and your bros who want to wear serapes and sombreros while you pound shots of tequila into the sorority girls you are scheming to pull the panties off of once they are unconscious can do so without fear of criticism until graduation day.
CONTRACTORS WHO SPECIALIZE INTO TURNING PLANNED PARENTHOOD CLINICS INTO 7-11’S are going to be big winners, needless to say, as are PEOPLE WHO ARE CURRENTLY SUING TRUMP. The business and the money are going to come rolling in for these groups. It’s bandwagon-jumping time for those of you who aren’t on board with either one.
ISIS—It’s been a bad couple of years for the caliphate, what with them slowly getting droned to death, but the anticipated increase in home-grown Muslims agitated by Trump giving ISIS credit for inspiring them to random mass murders should keep these Middle Eastern maniacs rolling in Facebook “likes” even as they get eliminated from their territory.
RUSSIA—Not since WW II has the Kremlin have such a friend in the White House. Putin’s on track to take back Eastern Europe, and he only has to promise to let Trump build a hotel in every capital for the US to step aside and let him do it. Trump Towers Budapest and Krakow are already on the drawing board.
WALL STREET—The elimination of regulations on the finance industry will mean they can embezzle whatever you have left in your IRA even faster and more completely, without fear of those big nasty fines they now occasionally have to pay.
BILLIONAIRES, JILLIONAIRES AND GAZILLIONAIRES—Paying lower taxes. Not lower taxes than Trump, though. You and me are not paying lower taxes than Trump. In fact, that’s why the man is foregoing the $400,000 or so the US pays its Commander-in-Chief.
He knew that once he filled out that W-9, he was going to have to start paying taxes.
RSS Feed
