It’s not looking too cool for the Republicans in next month’s election and Trump, in another example of the level-headed bravery he’s so good at, has already declined to take any blame if the Dems prevail.
Even though the last time the economy was this good, the party in power actually gained seats in the House in the midterms, nobody thinks the Republicans are going to do that, and many pundits already think the reason that the Republicans might do quite poorly is that the current President is much more of an orangutan-colored blowhard than the guy who was President in ’98.
The White House’s analysis of the forthcoming election is supremely Trumpian. If the Republicans do better than expected and keep the House, the election will have been a referendum on Trump and if they don’t, it will not have been.
What then, to blame if the Dems win? The Top Ten scapegoats for Republican defeat are ranked below:
10: The Rapture. Where did those missing Evangelical votes go? Sucked up into Heaven by the everlasting Hoover of God’s love, leaving the election in the hands of Jews and atheists. Even the most devout will concede that Trump himself is unlikely to be Raptured, but it certainly won’t be his fault that many Republicans will be hosannaing instead of voting.
9: Hexing by Wiccans. This has already been attempted by a few covens, with no noticeable effect, because hexes bear the same relation to reality as far as changing it goes as thoughts and prayers. But if Trump decides to blame Republican losses on being hexed, and decides to go after the Wiccans for it, we will actually have that witch hunt he’s always talking about.
8: Attack by powerful Luciferian beings from another dimension. For more information on this threat, click here.
7: Jeff Bezos. Many states get their voting machines on Amazon, and Bezos has a secret password that unlocks them all and stuffs them full of Democratic votes.
6: The lying, lying press. The Republicans actually win the election, but CNN is going to keep you from finding out about it.
5: Kneeling NFL players. They’ll be stationed at crucial polling places in swing districts. Football fans mob them, seeking autographs and forgetting to vote.
4: Omarosa!
3: Nobody in his Cabinet votes Republican, because they’re sick of his shit. Except for De Vos.
2: The caravan! 4,000 Honduran rapists make it across the border, rendering Trump’s female supporters afraid to leave the house to vote. We hear you saying “4,000 people? That’s not even the population of Holtville, California. And more than half of them are women and children, so not really good rapists.” So you say, but at the rate he’s going, Trump’s female supporters might all be able to fit into one rally by November.
1: Massive alleged voter fraud. This is what we’re putting our money on. Republicans lose, and blame it on illegal aliens being bussed from polling place to polling place, eating tacos on the way. All the tacos and the bus drivers will paid for by George Soros.
You combine one of these factors with the number of clear-thinking Americans who already think Trump is a despicable twat, or who feel sure that no matter how well things are going now, sooner or later he’s going to blunder off a cliff and take the country with him, and the Dems may well win the day.
But when you put it that way, it does kind of sound like it might be his fault. Better put your tin foil cap back on.
Even though the last time the economy was this good, the party in power actually gained seats in the House in the midterms, nobody thinks the Republicans are going to do that, and many pundits already think the reason that the Republicans might do quite poorly is that the current President is much more of an orangutan-colored blowhard than the guy who was President in ’98.
The White House’s analysis of the forthcoming election is supremely Trumpian. If the Republicans do better than expected and keep the House, the election will have been a referendum on Trump and if they don’t, it will not have been.
What then, to blame if the Dems win? The Top Ten scapegoats for Republican defeat are ranked below:
10: The Rapture. Where did those missing Evangelical votes go? Sucked up into Heaven by the everlasting Hoover of God’s love, leaving the election in the hands of Jews and atheists. Even the most devout will concede that Trump himself is unlikely to be Raptured, but it certainly won’t be his fault that many Republicans will be hosannaing instead of voting.
9: Hexing by Wiccans. This has already been attempted by a few covens, with no noticeable effect, because hexes bear the same relation to reality as far as changing it goes as thoughts and prayers. But if Trump decides to blame Republican losses on being hexed, and decides to go after the Wiccans for it, we will actually have that witch hunt he’s always talking about.
8: Attack by powerful Luciferian beings from another dimension. For more information on this threat, click here.
7: Jeff Bezos. Many states get their voting machines on Amazon, and Bezos has a secret password that unlocks them all and stuffs them full of Democratic votes.
6: The lying, lying press. The Republicans actually win the election, but CNN is going to keep you from finding out about it.
5: Kneeling NFL players. They’ll be stationed at crucial polling places in swing districts. Football fans mob them, seeking autographs and forgetting to vote.
4: Omarosa!
3: Nobody in his Cabinet votes Republican, because they’re sick of his shit. Except for De Vos.
2: The caravan! 4,000 Honduran rapists make it across the border, rendering Trump’s female supporters afraid to leave the house to vote. We hear you saying “4,000 people? That’s not even the population of Holtville, California. And more than half of them are women and children, so not really good rapists.” So you say, but at the rate he’s going, Trump’s female supporters might all be able to fit into one rally by November.
1: Massive alleged voter fraud. This is what we’re putting our money on. Republicans lose, and blame it on illegal aliens being bussed from polling place to polling place, eating tacos on the way. All the tacos and the bus drivers will paid for by George Soros.
You combine one of these factors with the number of clear-thinking Americans who already think Trump is a despicable twat, or who feel sure that no matter how well things are going now, sooner or later he’s going to blunder off a cliff and take the country with him, and the Dems may well win the day.
But when you put it that way, it does kind of sound like it might be his fault. Better put your tin foil cap back on.
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