I called up my old pal, veteran Republican political operator Joe Redstate, and asked him if blacksmithing slaves were going to become a touchstone for all Republicans from now on.
“Sho ‘nuff,” he replied, in a pitiful attempt at dialect. “The personal benefits slaves got from slavery have been concealed by woke history for too long.”
What were they besides learning to blacksmith? I mean besides whippings, rapes, and having your kids sold down the river? And I mean, the Mississippi river. To Mississippi.
“Florida is going to cover the travel benefits of slavery next semester. Right now, we’re teaching the vocational gifts that slavery gave slaves. And blacksmithing tops the list.”
So, there would be no black blacksmiths without slavery?
“Oh, there would probably be a few. But slaves were not natural blacksmiths, unlike white people.”
That does sound like open racism, Joe.
“Of course, it’s not! It’s just apparent that centuries of peasanting in Europe gave white people an advantage in learning blacksmithing, and other stuff that nobody does anymore, like wagon-wheel-making and cooking whales for their oil, when they escaped to freedom in America. Whereas, what did the slaves having going for them before they were imported here? Chanting, painting themselves, making war clubs, and being so afraid of solar eclipses that they immediately quit boiling explorers when one occurred?”
Tarzan movies are not considered documentaries nowadays, Joe.
“Tarzan! One of my childhood heroes. He was raised by apes, you know, and look at all he accomplished! Vine-swinging, yodeling, knifing lions. And Jane! Ooooh, Jane.”
We better change the subject, Joe, before you get lost in your boyhood memories of Jane...
“And Tarzan, too. One of the greatest white Americans ever, at least until Jason Aldean came along.”
Never mind that Tarzan was British, Joe. So, what you’re saying, before we got sidetracked, is that white people were naturally better at picking up pre-industrial skills than black people, who needed to be enslaved to learn the colonial arts?
“Exactly! Man, that was precise! Have you ever considered writing textbooks for the state of Florida?”