Entirely gratuitous image of Charlotte McKinney. You all know what Caitlyn Jenner looks like already
The Republican Party of the South has found a new nonexistent problem to be up in arms about, and that is people of uncertain sexuality peeing next to them. Having solved voter fraud that didn’t happen and kept Planned Parenthood from selling baby parts, which they weren’t, Republican politicians, particularly in the South, are turning their attention to the equally imaginary problem of relieving themselves in the same room as transgendered people. Laws have been passed, in North Carolina and Mississippi, that people have to use the bathroom designated for the gender marked on their birth certificate.
This was not in response to the vast numbers of transgenders flashing their surgically altered junk at our children in public restrooms below the Mason-Dixon line. Critics of the law have pointed out that people have been using the restroom of their choice since the first public hole in the ground was dug, and that they suspect the motive of bathroom law's writers was merely to pick on a tiny minority, trans people, because picking on a larger minority, gay people, wasn't going so well.
Possibly there are all kinds of rampaging trans perverts making tinkle in the stalls next to us, but we men, at least, are not aware of it, because we all follow the Unwritten Laws of the Men’s Room, one of which is you never look at anybody else while doing your business there. Up to a certain age (late teens-early twenties) a male may be inclined to look at the male parts of other males urinating next to him, but by the time he reaches twenty-five or so, he has looked enough to know where he falls on the manhood scale, and has either embraced it or resigned himself to it. After that, he doesn’t bother.
There’s no talking to strangers in there, either. And you don’t use the urinal right next to any other guy, unless you have no choice. Everybody knows the rules. They may be quite different in the ladies’ room, for all I know. For one thing, the girls always take a companion to help them urinate, whereas for men, bleeding one's lizard is traditionally a solitary pursuit. But the man rules mean if some trans person is peeing in the same room with us, we are just about obligated not to notice. About the only way to get us to notice would be to force a person who has shaved his entire body, compressed his genitals enough so he looks good in a tube dress, tossed on a push-up bra and some high heels, then yanked down his panty hose and stood to pee with the rest of the men’s room crowd in obedience to the new law.
That’s when the other guys going potty might give in to the natural human inclination to threaten and occasionally kill people with whom they feel uncomfortable. We don’t want to turn our restrooms into places of unrest. That moment of utter peace that comes with voiding, particularly if it is a much-needed emptying that we have scrambled around half a stadium to enjoy, especially if we have to put our forearm on the wall tiles during the process and rest our head on it to keep from swaying back and forth because we are drunk, is not one we want marred by gender-centric brawling.
The Restroom Guardians say they are only following the teachings of the Bible, as usual, even though in the days of the Bible everybody wore dresses and used the same bathroom, i.e., the whole planet. God made us all different, they note, probably just to give us an excuse to kick the crap out of each other, so let’s get down to business. If that means standing next to Caitlyn Jenner when Caitlyn takes a wee-wee, that’s just what we law-abiders will have to do.
We’re not going to look, though.
This was not in response to the vast numbers of transgenders flashing their surgically altered junk at our children in public restrooms below the Mason-Dixon line. Critics of the law have pointed out that people have been using the restroom of their choice since the first public hole in the ground was dug, and that they suspect the motive of bathroom law's writers was merely to pick on a tiny minority, trans people, because picking on a larger minority, gay people, wasn't going so well.
Possibly there are all kinds of rampaging trans perverts making tinkle in the stalls next to us, but we men, at least, are not aware of it, because we all follow the Unwritten Laws of the Men’s Room, one of which is you never look at anybody else while doing your business there. Up to a certain age (late teens-early twenties) a male may be inclined to look at the male parts of other males urinating next to him, but by the time he reaches twenty-five or so, he has looked enough to know where he falls on the manhood scale, and has either embraced it or resigned himself to it. After that, he doesn’t bother.
There’s no talking to strangers in there, either. And you don’t use the urinal right next to any other guy, unless you have no choice. Everybody knows the rules. They may be quite different in the ladies’ room, for all I know. For one thing, the girls always take a companion to help them urinate, whereas for men, bleeding one's lizard is traditionally a solitary pursuit. But the man rules mean if some trans person is peeing in the same room with us, we are just about obligated not to notice. About the only way to get us to notice would be to force a person who has shaved his entire body, compressed his genitals enough so he looks good in a tube dress, tossed on a push-up bra and some high heels, then yanked down his panty hose and stood to pee with the rest of the men’s room crowd in obedience to the new law.
That’s when the other guys going potty might give in to the natural human inclination to threaten and occasionally kill people with whom they feel uncomfortable. We don’t want to turn our restrooms into places of unrest. That moment of utter peace that comes with voiding, particularly if it is a much-needed emptying that we have scrambled around half a stadium to enjoy, especially if we have to put our forearm on the wall tiles during the process and rest our head on it to keep from swaying back and forth because we are drunk, is not one we want marred by gender-centric brawling.
The Restroom Guardians say they are only following the teachings of the Bible, as usual, even though in the days of the Bible everybody wore dresses and used the same bathroom, i.e., the whole planet. God made us all different, they note, probably just to give us an excuse to kick the crap out of each other, so let’s get down to business. If that means standing next to Caitlyn Jenner when Caitlyn takes a wee-wee, that’s just what we law-abiders will have to do.
We’re not going to look, though.
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