Kevin Gaylor, of Colorado Springs, Colorado, is being nominated here for a Life Achievement Award in the field of being a louse. No matter where the 24 year-old's life path takes him in the future, he is doubtful to ever surpass last week's performance in the area of being a hiney-hole, when, after meeting a woman online, he invited her over to meet him in person at the house he shared with his girlfriend. At the coincidence of his girlfriend coming home unexpectedly early and the arrival of his new cyber-acquaintance, he reported his spur of the moment date to the police as a burglar.
The police, after interviewing all involved, arrested the Kevster for making a false report.
Being a louse is a capacity that comes naturally to many men, but Kevin is starring at it while yet a relative rookie in the arena of relationships. Some of you fans of lousedom may interpret the Kev-man's early breakout success as a portent of many successful seasons of spectacular infidelities. Others may see him as a mere flash in the pan, preferring the long-term body of work turned in by public louses like Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich and Charlie Sheen.
The fact is, the Kevinator's glory is almost doomed to be ephemeral. He's going to get better at being a world-class creep, which means his fans are never going to find out about it. The next time he's living with a woman (probably not this one) and he invites another female over (probably not that one) and his live-in arrives unexpectedly, Kevarooni is going to have a better story, or a better plan of action. I have a few suggestions. Kevin can thank me later.
Pretend to be your own, previously undisclosed twin, Kenney. Reveal that Kevin has been drafted for a secret mission by the CIA, and you're here so that that Pakistanis don't suspect anything. And you're horny.
Fake a sudden illness. A heart attack works best when you're older. Testicular cancer happens to younger men, so try that. You may receive offers to amputate. Decline.
Reveal that you've slipped a Rohypnol into your own drink.
Tell your girlfriend you heard her talking in her sleep about having a threesome. Surprise!
Tell your new love interest you have an open relationship. Then open the door and run away.
Break down and confess to both women that you're craving the sensation of action because you don't have long to live. The second part of this may very well be true.
Above all, don't call the cops. They come in pairs and many police officers are men on the make like yourself, Killer Kev. What do you think happens when they come upon two women who are guaranteed single?
Probably dating them right now, Kevin. But keep that chin up. Just think of it as another way to clear your browser history.
The police, after interviewing all involved, arrested the Kevster for making a false report.
Being a louse is a capacity that comes naturally to many men, but Kevin is starring at it while yet a relative rookie in the arena of relationships. Some of you fans of lousedom may interpret the Kev-man's early breakout success as a portent of many successful seasons of spectacular infidelities. Others may see him as a mere flash in the pan, preferring the long-term body of work turned in by public louses like Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich and Charlie Sheen.
The fact is, the Kevinator's glory is almost doomed to be ephemeral. He's going to get better at being a world-class creep, which means his fans are never going to find out about it. The next time he's living with a woman (probably not this one) and he invites another female over (probably not that one) and his live-in arrives unexpectedly, Kevarooni is going to have a better story, or a better plan of action. I have a few suggestions. Kevin can thank me later.
Pretend to be your own, previously undisclosed twin, Kenney. Reveal that Kevin has been drafted for a secret mission by the CIA, and you're here so that that Pakistanis don't suspect anything. And you're horny.
Fake a sudden illness. A heart attack works best when you're older. Testicular cancer happens to younger men, so try that. You may receive offers to amputate. Decline.
Reveal that you've slipped a Rohypnol into your own drink.
Tell your girlfriend you heard her talking in her sleep about having a threesome. Surprise!
Tell your new love interest you have an open relationship. Then open the door and run away.
Break down and confess to both women that you're craving the sensation of action because you don't have long to live. The second part of this may very well be true.
Above all, don't call the cops. They come in pairs and many police officers are men on the make like yourself, Killer Kev. What do you think happens when they come upon two women who are guaranteed single?
Probably dating them right now, Kevin. But keep that chin up. Just think of it as another way to clear your browser history.
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