I support the creation of more holidays because the US is sorely lacking in them, compared to other nations. We only have eight, and that’s counting the ones where just the post office is closed. France has fifteen. Sri Lanka has twenty-five. Where is the demand for American exceptionalism when it comes to bagging work in favor of drinking and setting off fireworks? Shouldn’t we be ashamed of being behind Sri Lanka?
Even if promote such notable celebrations as Cinco De Mayo and Arbor Day to full, hang out the flag and tap a keg status, we’re still going to lag compared to the island formerly known as Ceylon, so let’s exercise a little creativity and devote some party time to our crackpot citizens.
Why not a Flat Earth Day? The Internet has made us aware that there are a sizable number of people who think that the Earth is flat, the atmosphere is enclosed by a glass dome sprinkled with stars and decorated by the Sun, which is a little heat lamp that rolls across the sky, and the Moon, which, literally, is only a paper moon. The reasoning behind the flat Earth theory is simple—the Earth is flat because it looks and feels flat. Cased closed in the minds of these thinkers, who will be happy to illuminate you on the real causes of time zones and satellites and the conspiracy by NASA to convince us that our planet is a mere sphere among countless others in space. Yes, even though Pythagoras first promulgated the concept of the Earth as a sphere in the 6th century BC, flat-earthers think that idea didn’t really catch on until NASA could employ it to fake moon landings.
Should people who believe that the Earth is a globe but nonetheless the moon landings were fake have a separate holiday? I leave that to Congress to decide, but here we’re going to move on to honor 9-11 Was an Inside Job conspiracy theorists. Unlike flat-earthers, who beg us to believe our own eyes, 9-11 inside jobbers urge us to ignore the evidence of our senses. Don’t pay attention to the actual images of planes flying into buildings is their argument. Planes can’t actually destroy buildings, is what they feel, even though none of them has so much as crashed a Cessna into a tool shed as an experiment. Only the US government can destroy buildings, because it is composed entirely of employees who, when told they were going to randomly kill 3,000 of their fellow citizens, responded in a single voice, “AWESOME!”
When the dust has settled from that merry celebration it’s on to Vaccines Cause Autism Day. This holiday is for people who believe that God or Darwin would not have just randomly effed their kid up, even though it happens to other people’s children all the time. It’s vaccinating their progeny that puts their kids on the spectrum, so let’s give a bunch of nearly eradicated, sometimes deadly illnesses a new lease on life on the off chance that it’ll keep little Johnnie and little Susie off the short school bus.
A little full disclosure here—I have an autistic nephew. He is absolutely a genius, a full savant, and he’ll never give you measles, either.
If we’re still behind the Sri Lankese, there’s plenty of other fringe citizens we could honor with a day of their own. Sandy Hook Didn’t Really Happen Day, or A Celebration of Chemtrails. We could even have Everybody Who Knows Anything About Hillary Clinton Will Eventually End Up Dead Day.
That last one I happen to believe myself.