The evening news was on the other night and besides the car wrecks, fires and guilty verdicts, the news anchor solemnly related the story of four high school students who accidentally ingested a marijuana-laced brownie and were rushed to the local hospital for emergency treatment.
This set me to wondering—how does one treat an accidental pot high? I think it would be irresponsible to give victims more drugs. They might like what the hospital had in its medicine cabinet even better than unforeseen pot buzz they were experiencing, and marijuana's reputation as a gateway drug would only get larger. I called a medical professional I know, Dr. Mary Jane Sativa, and posed the question to her.
"We're always ready to treat patients who have accidentally ingested marijuana," she replied briskly. "Our facility is located a half-block from a twenty-four hour Jack In The Box. Our first step in stabilizing these unfortunates is usually to order at least twelve tacos for each of them."
Is a dozen usually enough?
"Usually, but in really serious overdose cases, they might require a jumbo order of curly fries as well."
What if the accidental pot victim finds himself too stoned too get to the hospital? Should he or she call an ambulance?"
"Sure. For one thing, getting strapped on a gurney and riding backwards at high speed to the emergency ward is a real rush. But if you want to try treating the patient or patients at home, all you really need is a bag of Doritos the size of a clothes hamper and a five-gallon bucket of some jalapeno cheese substance. If you don't have Doritos, Ruffles may be substituted, provide you have enough onion soup mix and sour cream to make dip. Avoid Funyuns."
Solid advice whether you've accidentally baked yourself or not. What next?
"Then, whether the victim is at home or hospitalized, put on a movie that is nothing but one punch line after the other. Police Academy or Airplane! are both excellent choices. Avoid any Scary Movies after number three. Younger victims may be more suitably treated by a course of YouTube fail videos, while foreigners may enjoy Monty Python or Benny Hill. When the victim is laughing so hard that he or she is weeping and unable to articulate an answer to the question "What is so freaking funny?" they are well on the way to recovery. The only danger at this point is abdominal disruption caused by excessive humor, or, as you laymen put it, "busting a gut." After a nice nap, the patient is ready to be discharged."
Without any follow-up treatment?
"A bottle of Visine. Just in case Mom or Dad is picking them up."
This set me to wondering—how does one treat an accidental pot high? I think it would be irresponsible to give victims more drugs. They might like what the hospital had in its medicine cabinet even better than unforeseen pot buzz they were experiencing, and marijuana's reputation as a gateway drug would only get larger. I called a medical professional I know, Dr. Mary Jane Sativa, and posed the question to her.
"We're always ready to treat patients who have accidentally ingested marijuana," she replied briskly. "Our facility is located a half-block from a twenty-four hour Jack In The Box. Our first step in stabilizing these unfortunates is usually to order at least twelve tacos for each of them."
Is a dozen usually enough?
"Usually, but in really serious overdose cases, they might require a jumbo order of curly fries as well."
What if the accidental pot victim finds himself too stoned too get to the hospital? Should he or she call an ambulance?"
"Sure. For one thing, getting strapped on a gurney and riding backwards at high speed to the emergency ward is a real rush. But if you want to try treating the patient or patients at home, all you really need is a bag of Doritos the size of a clothes hamper and a five-gallon bucket of some jalapeno cheese substance. If you don't have Doritos, Ruffles may be substituted, provide you have enough onion soup mix and sour cream to make dip. Avoid Funyuns."
Solid advice whether you've accidentally baked yourself or not. What next?
"Then, whether the victim is at home or hospitalized, put on a movie that is nothing but one punch line after the other. Police Academy or Airplane! are both excellent choices. Avoid any Scary Movies after number three. Younger victims may be more suitably treated by a course of YouTube fail videos, while foreigners may enjoy Monty Python or Benny Hill. When the victim is laughing so hard that he or she is weeping and unable to articulate an answer to the question "What is so freaking funny?" they are well on the way to recovery. The only danger at this point is abdominal disruption caused by excessive humor, or, as you laymen put it, "busting a gut." After a nice nap, the patient is ready to be discharged."
Without any follow-up treatment?
"A bottle of Visine. Just in case Mom or Dad is picking them up."
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