“They like me,” Trump shrugged when asked why he would back people protesting his own order. As unlikely and as unintelligent as this may seem, the lesson was not lost on America’s enemies.
“We’ve ordered ‘Trump-Pence 2020’ t-shirts for the entire Quds Force,” said a senior Iranian defense minister. “Now that we know that if Qassem Soleimani had been wearing a MAGA hat, the US would never have droned him to death, we’re issuing them to every soldier in the war against the Great Satan. Hell, we may put a Trump banner on the minaret of every mosque in Tehran. Do you think he’ll give us another 150 billion bucks if we do?”
“Keep America Great!” shouted Nicolas Maduro, the President of Venezuela, when informed of another round of crippling sanctions being levied by the US on his country for being socialist. “Venezuela loves Trump! Any woman I see wearing a Women for Trump t-shirt gets an extra half-cup of rice a week for her family!”
“Cuba backs Trump!” proclaimed Raul Castro, unbelievably ancient Communist curmudgeon. “As soon as you can get all the virus scrubbed out of your cruise ships, send them back here to Havana! Yankee dollars are always welcome here! They’ll be even more welcome when Trump’s picture is on your money!”
“Me loving Trump almost as much as me loving a reliable, accurate missile that can deliver a nuclear warhead to Los Angeles,” said noted Trump fan Kim Jong-Un from Pyongyang. “Every time I conduct secret underground tests of bomb big enough to blow up Santa Barbara, I wear my ‘Re-Elect Trump—Make Liberals Cry Again’ neck gaiter. Not only does it cover up all of my chins, but it keeps me from accidentally swallowing any fallout. I recommend them to everyone, but particularly citizens of Anchorage, Alaska!”
Vladimir Putin, meanwhile, was asked why he wasn’t sporting any Trumpwear in advance of the US election. “When they make a t-shirt that says ‘I Own Trump,’ ship one to me,” was his reply.