"At last the Senate has acted responsibly, by refusing to interfere with the American people's right to sell guns to each other without having to getting tangled in a lot of privacy-endangering red tape that could possibly lead to a national gun registry."
Or you could say the Senate has made it still possible for slobbering loonies and career criminals to buy all the guns they want.
"Wrong way to look at it, my friend. True, it's possible people with evil motives can buy guns at gun shows without any legal difficulties. But responsible gun owners will also be able to buy guns without undergoing some dreary background check, so when a bad guy with a gun starts shooting up school or whatever, a good guy on the scene won't be thinking to himself 'Geez, I wish I had been able to buy a weapon in a casual transaction, instead of thinking 'forget it—this background check is so boring. Then I could shoot back instead of just hiding under this desk crying.' Anyway, it's settled. Now on to the next step, which is to follow up on the NRA's suggestion for creating a national registry of the mentally disturbed."
Who's going to be in that registry, Joe?
"We haven't figured that out yet entirely. Everyone who's ever seen a psychiatrist, for starters. Maybe everyone who has ever seen a psychologist. Or a marriage counselor. Real, sane Americans don't need counseling. They just need their guns."
Don't you think creating that registry would be just as much of an invasion of people's privacy as a national gun registry?
"Who cares? The Constitution guarantees the right to bear arms. It doesn't guarantee the right not to be stigmatized as a wackjob. We already have a national system for keeping illegal aliens from working here and that has solid Republican support. It's called E-Verify."
I've heard of that, Joe.
"It's a great example of a national database that's an invasion of personal privacy and an inconvenience to law-abiding citizens working to achieve an important goal, which is to make it tougher for Mexicans to work low-paying jobs that nobody born here wants to do."
Why is making sure the guy scrubbing out pots at the local cantina has a green card more important than not getting shot, Joe?
"If illegal aliens were allowed to work here freely, there would be even more public conversations in Spanish that real Americans would have to overhear and wonder if they were being talked about in a language they don't understand and more bilingual signs in Wal-Mart. Let's face it, random shootings get a lot of press. But they don't happen all the time. What really browns most people off is having to listen to 'Por Espanol, marca de dos,' every time they try to get their prescriptions filled."
So the Senate votes the way they do because they love guns and hate Mexicans?
"And random, gun-toting insane killers. That's why the National Mental Health database will effectively solve the problem of gun violence. Once we find out who these people are, we can keep them from getting guns."
And once you find out who they are, Joe, how are you going to keep them from buying guns?
"Simple. If they want to buy a gun, we run a background check on them....oh, crap."
You want to get back to me on that, Joe? You have my email.