Presidential retread candidate Rick Santorum reacted to the recent Supreme Court decision legalizing gay marriage by saying that it is “potentially disrupting the foundation of the world” and that “it will have profound consequences.”
This column begs to disagree. While gay marriage is important to gay people who want to get married, and gay married people who want to get divorced, the rest of us will hardly notice anything different. To prove this point, here’s a list of twenty things, which, if they occur, that will have more profound consequences worldwide than gay marriage being legal in the US:
1. Finally inventing flying cars.
2. The last Philippine ferry capsizes.
3. Alien invasion by hostile aliens who kill everybody but Tom Cruise.
4. Inventor of CD, DVD packaging executed. Since he was the last one that really deserved it, capital punishment abolished worldwide.
5. All one billion Chinese flush their toilets at the same time.
6. Silicon Valley gets over itself.
7. Dukes of Hazzard get politically correct by putting United Nations flag on the roof of their car.
8, Bernie Sanders shaves his head.
9. A cure for cancer.
10. A cure for hiccups.
11. Any baby panda born in any zoo, anywhere.
12. Alien contact by wise, gentle, magnanimous, carb-loading aliens who give us live forever pills in exchange for pre-punched get-a-free-dozen Dunkin’ Donuts frequent buyer cards.
13. Game of Thrones cancelled.
14. All reality shows featuring toothless, overweight yick-a-doos making decoys or yanking catfish out of their holes with their bare hands while praising Jesus subtitled in Yiddish.
15. America elects a President who always packs heat.
16. Solar-powered electric banjos finally affordable.
17. They find that goddamn plane on the bottom of the ocean.
18. “Fast and Furious 16” goes directly to DVD.
19. Trix Rabbit, Captain Crunch, Fruit Loops Toucan refuse to eat another bite of cereal as long as they live.
20. Dalai Lama streaks across outfield during Padres-Nats doubleheader.
There you have it. Seriously, even if you live right next door to a gay couple that is finally able to get married, thanks to the Supreme Court, what difference will it make to you? Be honest with yourself--you're just angry because they already have a better lawn and nicer furniture.
That's not going to change.
This column begs to disagree. While gay marriage is important to gay people who want to get married, and gay married people who want to get divorced, the rest of us will hardly notice anything different. To prove this point, here’s a list of twenty things, which, if they occur, that will have more profound consequences worldwide than gay marriage being legal in the US:
1. Finally inventing flying cars.
2. The last Philippine ferry capsizes.
3. Alien invasion by hostile aliens who kill everybody but Tom Cruise.
4. Inventor of CD, DVD packaging executed. Since he was the last one that really deserved it, capital punishment abolished worldwide.
5. All one billion Chinese flush their toilets at the same time.
6. Silicon Valley gets over itself.
7. Dukes of Hazzard get politically correct by putting United Nations flag on the roof of their car.
8, Bernie Sanders shaves his head.
9. A cure for cancer.
10. A cure for hiccups.
11. Any baby panda born in any zoo, anywhere.
12. Alien contact by wise, gentle, magnanimous, carb-loading aliens who give us live forever pills in exchange for pre-punched get-a-free-dozen Dunkin’ Donuts frequent buyer cards.
13. Game of Thrones cancelled.
14. All reality shows featuring toothless, overweight yick-a-doos making decoys or yanking catfish out of their holes with their bare hands while praising Jesus subtitled in Yiddish.
15. America elects a President who always packs heat.
16. Solar-powered electric banjos finally affordable.
17. They find that goddamn plane on the bottom of the ocean.
18. “Fast and Furious 16” goes directly to DVD.
19. Trix Rabbit, Captain Crunch, Fruit Loops Toucan refuse to eat another bite of cereal as long as they live.
20. Dalai Lama streaks across outfield during Padres-Nats doubleheader.
There you have it. Seriously, even if you live right next door to a gay couple that is finally able to get married, thanks to the Supreme Court, what difference will it make to you? Be honest with yourself--you're just angry because they already have a better lawn and nicer furniture.
That's not going to change.
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