Looks like Trump’s final notable act as President will be getting recorded while begging Georgia’s Secretary of State to fix the election there so he would be the winner.
Pleading and then threatening that guy to try and make him ditch his election results and then just magically proclaim Trump the victor isn’t the kind of Presidential move that gets you a place on Mt. Rushmore. In fact, it’s the kind of move that makes future visitors to that National Monument say, “Hey, isn’t that a pile of bison shit at the bottom of Mt. Rushmore? That reminds me of Trump.”
But Trump’s made plenty of other phone calls. Here’s actual quotes from some that weren’t recorded:
To the CENTER FOR DISEASE CONTROL: “This virus is mutating? Is there anyone we can call to make it, you know, stop? How about Wuhan? That’s where it’s from, right? Does it still have relatives there? Let them know that they could get hurt, if the mutations don’t stop.”
To the SECRET SERVICE: “Look, I know your boys have to protect Joe Biden. I’m not saying you have to do anything. But it’d be a hoot if you flattened the tires on that bike he’s always rolling around on. Or put Super Glue on the inside of his mask. Even better-- where’s the harm in you guys getting ‘lost’ and ‘accidentally’ driving him through a Proud Boys rally? That’d make some great TV.”
To the PENTAGON: “The last thing America needs is a full-blown war to hand off to the next President. Still, you guys got any fighter-bomber pilots that really hate Iran? Or just Muslims in general? You know, maybe their folks got a pig farm, or they have friends that were killed by Hezbollah? Let them know I’m feeling them, and let’s put them in the cockpit until January 20th, you know what I mean?”
To VLADIMIR PUTIN: “I just need a little more time on those loans, Vlad. I figure I can skim my PAC for at least a hundred million a year for the next four. That makes me just about square with you until 2024, when you and me can set me up for another four years at this address. And Eric’s going to be visiting Moscow with the nuclear codes, I promise, except he thinks they’re the answers to the SAT’s he flunked before I bought his way into college. But you know what’s a great thing, Vlad? Forgiveness. Forgiveness is a great thing. Especially when it comes to loans.”
To DEVIN NUNES and JIM JORDAN: “I knew you guys were going to be upset when I gave the Medal of Freedom to that dying windbag Limbaugh ahead of you two. I mean you two have been doing shady shit for me for years. But you’ve got to admit I’ve helped you keep your racist constituents right in your corner. But it’s time. I realize that. You’ll be wearing those ribbons next time you give Adam Schiff the finger.”
To RUDY GIULIANI and MICHAEL FLYNN: “All right, we’re set. January 19th at midnight. And how do you spell “martial law," again? (pause) Really? That’s stupid. As stupid as George Conway’s kid. Spell it again, so I can write it on the inside of my wrist. I want that Tweet to be perfect.”
To MITCH MCCONNELL and NANCY PELOSI: “Take a look at your garage doors, motherfuckers.”
Pleading and then threatening that guy to try and make him ditch his election results and then just magically proclaim Trump the victor isn’t the kind of Presidential move that gets you a place on Mt. Rushmore. In fact, it’s the kind of move that makes future visitors to that National Monument say, “Hey, isn’t that a pile of bison shit at the bottom of Mt. Rushmore? That reminds me of Trump.”
But Trump’s made plenty of other phone calls. Here’s actual quotes from some that weren’t recorded:
To the CENTER FOR DISEASE CONTROL: “This virus is mutating? Is there anyone we can call to make it, you know, stop? How about Wuhan? That’s where it’s from, right? Does it still have relatives there? Let them know that they could get hurt, if the mutations don’t stop.”
To the SECRET SERVICE: “Look, I know your boys have to protect Joe Biden. I’m not saying you have to do anything. But it’d be a hoot if you flattened the tires on that bike he’s always rolling around on. Or put Super Glue on the inside of his mask. Even better-- where’s the harm in you guys getting ‘lost’ and ‘accidentally’ driving him through a Proud Boys rally? That’d make some great TV.”
To the PENTAGON: “The last thing America needs is a full-blown war to hand off to the next President. Still, you guys got any fighter-bomber pilots that really hate Iran? Or just Muslims in general? You know, maybe their folks got a pig farm, or they have friends that were killed by Hezbollah? Let them know I’m feeling them, and let’s put them in the cockpit until January 20th, you know what I mean?”
To VLADIMIR PUTIN: “I just need a little more time on those loans, Vlad. I figure I can skim my PAC for at least a hundred million a year for the next four. That makes me just about square with you until 2024, when you and me can set me up for another four years at this address. And Eric’s going to be visiting Moscow with the nuclear codes, I promise, except he thinks they’re the answers to the SAT’s he flunked before I bought his way into college. But you know what’s a great thing, Vlad? Forgiveness. Forgiveness is a great thing. Especially when it comes to loans.”
To DEVIN NUNES and JIM JORDAN: “I knew you guys were going to be upset when I gave the Medal of Freedom to that dying windbag Limbaugh ahead of you two. I mean you two have been doing shady shit for me for years. But you’ve got to admit I’ve helped you keep your racist constituents right in your corner. But it’s time. I realize that. You’ll be wearing those ribbons next time you give Adam Schiff the finger.”
To RUDY GIULIANI and MICHAEL FLYNN: “All right, we’re set. January 19th at midnight. And how do you spell “martial law," again? (pause) Really? That’s stupid. As stupid as George Conway’s kid. Spell it again, so I can write it on the inside of my wrist. I want that Tweet to be perfect.”
To MITCH MCCONNELL and NANCY PELOSI: “Take a look at your garage doors, motherfuckers.”
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