Rising to the challenge, Kellyanne Conway, the Queen of Alternative Everything, from facts to universes, is prepared to spin this tale:
“The President was in fact, overheard demanding Ukraine hastily make up some sludge and spread it on the Bidens like cheap margarine on burnt toast, but he did not mean to threaten to withhold military aid until Ukraine coughed up the goods. That would have been bad for our national security. What the President meant to do was to threaten to take away Donald Trump Jr.’s allowance, unless Ukraine played along. It just came out ‘you’re not getting any night goggles or more Javelin missiles until you start a fake, incomprehensibly foreign investigation of Hunter Biden that lasts at least until November, 2020.’
“What he meant to say was ‘If you don't spout a mist of scum all over the Bidens, Junior’s going to have to get a job.’ The mistake is easy to understand—DTJ’s allowance is 400 million—the same amount as the Ukrainian military aid package. The President just got them confused. He thought the Ukrainians wouldn’t want Junior’s allowance taken away, because they, like everybody else, know that Donald Jr. is virtually unemployable, since his only skills are being able to do his own hair and compose Tweets as thoughtless, stupid and self-owning as tossing rocks off an overpass onto oncoming cars.
“There’s nothing illegal about that. I mean blackmailing foreigners, not throwing rocks off bridges. That is illegal, although Donald Trump could do it and not lose a single vote. There were no actual taxpayer funds involved in the Ukraine deal, even though it sure sounded like there were. Case closed, not guilty, nothing to see here, good night, MAGA.”
Ms. Conway then rose into the air on a broom and shot down the hall, then sped away into the open air cackling, “Suck my chemtrail, witch hunters!”