It’s that time of year again, and while all us Grinches are bitching about the shitty Christmas song soundtrack at CVS and the traffic around the mall, families with young children are wondering what to wad under the tree to satisfy their children's bloated expectations for the holiday.
The online store Keep and Bear has the answer—a Lego type kit that enables your right-wing kid to build a toy wall to keep refugees away from our border.
The Wall comes with a two-inch figure of Trump, which the eager conservative lad can place in front of his completed Wall. The model Trump is stern and unsmiling, because there is no little plastic Putin that comes with the kit. There are also no little plastic rapists, let alone little plastic refugees with even littler plastic babies in their arms, which would make the Wall a tad more exciting.
Which is crucial, because a wall lacks thrills. Even the most adorably reactionary little one wants a present that he (and we say “he” purposely—little right-wing girls belong bent over their Easy-Bake Ovens) can pick up and play with. If he really wanted a Wall, he could build one out of the Legos he already has, and beg for 15,000 toy soldiers to station behind it. He’d rather have a Lego F-35 that he can swoop around his bedroom, making little machine-gun noises as he pretends to strafe liberals. Or even a Batcave, or Harry Potter’s castle, or any other Lego monstrosity that, once just one piece from it chooses to work itself loose to bury itself like a little land mine in your carpet, completely loses all of its charm.
The Wall needs more action if it’s going to sell. Some pretend barbed wire for the top, and an imaginary terrorist that your little redneck-in-the-making can tangle in it, and a Lego waterboard for when he’s captured. Or a companion model set, like almost all Lego sets have—Kids in Cages! Or a plastic bus full of illegal aliens rushing off to vote illegally, with a little plastic George Soros as the bus driver.
Even then, though, this column has its doubts about political presents under the tree. The left wing has wisely refrained from politicizing toys—there is no Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez doll that little feminists can dress in cheap clothes, or Bernie Sanders bunny slippers. No matter what you give your loveable little racist for Christmas, one thing is almost for certain.
He’ll end up playing with the box.
The online store Keep and Bear has the answer—a Lego type kit that enables your right-wing kid to build a toy wall to keep refugees away from our border.
The Wall comes with a two-inch figure of Trump, which the eager conservative lad can place in front of his completed Wall. The model Trump is stern and unsmiling, because there is no little plastic Putin that comes with the kit. There are also no little plastic rapists, let alone little plastic refugees with even littler plastic babies in their arms, which would make the Wall a tad more exciting.
Which is crucial, because a wall lacks thrills. Even the most adorably reactionary little one wants a present that he (and we say “he” purposely—little right-wing girls belong bent over their Easy-Bake Ovens) can pick up and play with. If he really wanted a Wall, he could build one out of the Legos he already has, and beg for 15,000 toy soldiers to station behind it. He’d rather have a Lego F-35 that he can swoop around his bedroom, making little machine-gun noises as he pretends to strafe liberals. Or even a Batcave, or Harry Potter’s castle, or any other Lego monstrosity that, once just one piece from it chooses to work itself loose to bury itself like a little land mine in your carpet, completely loses all of its charm.
The Wall needs more action if it’s going to sell. Some pretend barbed wire for the top, and an imaginary terrorist that your little redneck-in-the-making can tangle in it, and a Lego waterboard for when he’s captured. Or a companion model set, like almost all Lego sets have—Kids in Cages! Or a plastic bus full of illegal aliens rushing off to vote illegally, with a little plastic George Soros as the bus driver.
Even then, though, this column has its doubts about political presents under the tree. The left wing has wisely refrained from politicizing toys—there is no Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez doll that little feminists can dress in cheap clothes, or Bernie Sanders bunny slippers. No matter what you give your loveable little racist for Christmas, one thing is almost for certain.
He’ll end up playing with the box.
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