When Donald Trump chipped in on Twitter about the wisdom of allowing an American, Ebola-infected doctor back into this country for treatment—he's against it--he was greeted with a cacophony of criticism, much of which suggested that he had once again exposed himself as a heartless bunghole.
Knowing that there had to be more to the story than that, I arranged an interview. I must admit I secured the interview under false pretenses—I identified myself as a Republican political operative who wanted to see him run for President again.
"People told me there were none of you left in the country," Trump began by saying. "More proof that everybody but me is wrong. And I'm certainly right about letting this diseased doctor back in the country for treatment. Big mistake."
But this guy is actually a hero. He put himself at great risk so that other human lives could be saved.
"That whole concept of a hero confuses me, as it does many other Americans. Don't heroes carry guns and shoot people, or fight fires and pose for calendars? Except for sports heroes, who score a lot of points or touchdowns or whatever and get endorsement deals. Heroes don't go to Africa except to attack terrorist camps or prevent another Benghazi."
That doesn't make much sense, but I'm impressed that you know Benghazi is in Africa.
"My staff keeps track of places in the news where I don't currently have a casino and emails me updates. I know that Ukraine's in Europe, too. It's my foreign policy know-how that makes me a Presidential contender."
Aren't you afraid that thinking a solitary individual with Ebola, transported and treated with great care and hospitalized hundreds of miles away from you in Atlanta poses a danger to you makes you seem like a coward?
"First off, Ebola poses no danger to me personally because my comb-over protects me from most infectious diseases. That's what my hairstylist tells me, at any rate. So I'm only worried about other Americans, ordinary, hard-working Americans laboring hard every day and pulling away at the handles of my slot machines every night. To them I say, The Donald cares. And also I say, don't just walk away from that slot machine in disgust when you've lost all your money. Use the freaking Purell first."
Because they might have Ebola?
"Or anything. Lets get back to this Ebola person, shall we? Like I said on Twitter, we appreciate his sacrifice and everything, but going over to a foreign continent and catching an African disease is on him. No reason I need to have his back. He went over to some substandard country and mingled hard with sick people, and now he comes home whining for some untested vaccine? Where's his sense of personal responsibility? You can go off and sacrifice yourself for the greater good just to frivolously satisfy your need for moral superiority, if you want, but don't send me the bill! Make the rest of us feel like self-centered, money-grubbing jerks and then expect to get paid for it? Not in The Donald''s America!"
You really feel strongly about this, don't you?
"You bet I do. As far as I'm concerned, the guy might as well be standing on a median strip with a crude cardboard sign that says NEED MONEY FOR SERUM. Some people are going to give him the filthy change out of their ashtrays. Most people are going to drive right by. Some people are going to wait until the light changes and throw the rest of their breakfast sandwich at him, then look in the rear view to see if he eats it."
That breakfast sandwich trick--that's really nasty. Do you do that to homeless people?
"No, I have a limo. I have my driver give the guy a buck to distract him, and when the light changes, I whip the door open and try to grab his whole bucket when I go by twenty feet later. But that's just me."
So you're comparing this humanitarian doctor, who could be just seeing people all day for ten minutes each at a hundred dollars a pop and making bank but instead goes to the far reaches of the earth to save the lives of people who can't pay him a dime, to a homeless person?
"Well, now that you put it that way, no. At least the homeless person is trying to get paid for doing nothing, which is the American dream, which I personally live. This doctor is trying to be the Dalai Lama, or Jimmy Carter, or some other kind of person the average American doesn't understand and doesn't want to pay the consequences of worrying about getting Ebola because of his do-goodyism."
I think maybe it's you that doesn't understand him.
"I could if I wanted to. The way I find out a person's character is to have them do a big bunch of work for me for free. That infected doc is welcome to do that, as long as he keeps that Diver Dan suit on. We're thinking about doing a season of "Handicapped Apprentice." Just remember that the ramp rolls both ways."
Knowing that there had to be more to the story than that, I arranged an interview. I must admit I secured the interview under false pretenses—I identified myself as a Republican political operative who wanted to see him run for President again.
"People told me there were none of you left in the country," Trump began by saying. "More proof that everybody but me is wrong. And I'm certainly right about letting this diseased doctor back in the country for treatment. Big mistake."
But this guy is actually a hero. He put himself at great risk so that other human lives could be saved.
"That whole concept of a hero confuses me, as it does many other Americans. Don't heroes carry guns and shoot people, or fight fires and pose for calendars? Except for sports heroes, who score a lot of points or touchdowns or whatever and get endorsement deals. Heroes don't go to Africa except to attack terrorist camps or prevent another Benghazi."
That doesn't make much sense, but I'm impressed that you know Benghazi is in Africa.
"My staff keeps track of places in the news where I don't currently have a casino and emails me updates. I know that Ukraine's in Europe, too. It's my foreign policy know-how that makes me a Presidential contender."
Aren't you afraid that thinking a solitary individual with Ebola, transported and treated with great care and hospitalized hundreds of miles away from you in Atlanta poses a danger to you makes you seem like a coward?
"First off, Ebola poses no danger to me personally because my comb-over protects me from most infectious diseases. That's what my hairstylist tells me, at any rate. So I'm only worried about other Americans, ordinary, hard-working Americans laboring hard every day and pulling away at the handles of my slot machines every night. To them I say, The Donald cares. And also I say, don't just walk away from that slot machine in disgust when you've lost all your money. Use the freaking Purell first."
Because they might have Ebola?
"Or anything. Lets get back to this Ebola person, shall we? Like I said on Twitter, we appreciate his sacrifice and everything, but going over to a foreign continent and catching an African disease is on him. No reason I need to have his back. He went over to some substandard country and mingled hard with sick people, and now he comes home whining for some untested vaccine? Where's his sense of personal responsibility? You can go off and sacrifice yourself for the greater good just to frivolously satisfy your need for moral superiority, if you want, but don't send me the bill! Make the rest of us feel like self-centered, money-grubbing jerks and then expect to get paid for it? Not in The Donald''s America!"
You really feel strongly about this, don't you?
"You bet I do. As far as I'm concerned, the guy might as well be standing on a median strip with a crude cardboard sign that says NEED MONEY FOR SERUM. Some people are going to give him the filthy change out of their ashtrays. Most people are going to drive right by. Some people are going to wait until the light changes and throw the rest of their breakfast sandwich at him, then look in the rear view to see if he eats it."
That breakfast sandwich trick--that's really nasty. Do you do that to homeless people?
"No, I have a limo. I have my driver give the guy a buck to distract him, and when the light changes, I whip the door open and try to grab his whole bucket when I go by twenty feet later. But that's just me."
So you're comparing this humanitarian doctor, who could be just seeing people all day for ten minutes each at a hundred dollars a pop and making bank but instead goes to the far reaches of the earth to save the lives of people who can't pay him a dime, to a homeless person?
"Well, now that you put it that way, no. At least the homeless person is trying to get paid for doing nothing, which is the American dream, which I personally live. This doctor is trying to be the Dalai Lama, or Jimmy Carter, or some other kind of person the average American doesn't understand and doesn't want to pay the consequences of worrying about getting Ebola because of his do-goodyism."
I think maybe it's you that doesn't understand him.
"I could if I wanted to. The way I find out a person's character is to have them do a big bunch of work for me for free. That infected doc is welcome to do that, as long as he keeps that Diver Dan suit on. We're thinking about doing a season of "Handicapped Apprentice." Just remember that the ramp rolls both ways."
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