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Hair to hair combat scheduled for Trump, Un
(A conference room in a neutral country. Greetings are exchanged. Advisors are dismissed. A small hand shakes a chubby one, and the fate of the world lies in the balance.)
TRUMP: Wow, I didn’t even know you spoke English.
UN: Me have all the best words.
TRUMP: (Ingratiatingly) So what’s it like, being Dictator for Life? Just asking—not that I’d want that job. But I bet it’s fantastic.
UN: It very satisfying. Job security very good, as long as you keep killing your family with poison or anti-aircraft guns.
TRUMP: Hah! Tiffany—BOOM!
UN: You want anti-aircraft gun? Will trade for multiple warhead independently targetable re-entry vehicle. Art of Deal!
TRUMP: (changing subject) Hey, I saw your sister during the Olympics. She’s pretty hot.
UN: She yours, for $130,000 worth of enriched uranium.
TRUMP: You are fantastically crafty, Supreme Leader. What’s the ass like in North Korea? How tough is it to get laid?
UN: Any woman mine. I just offer them small bowl of rice and then grab pussy when distracted by food.
TRUMP: Can’t wait to visit there after we sign the most fantastic peace deal ever. So, what’s the deal going to be? What do you guys want anyway? Rex Tillerson was supposed to tell me, but then I fired him.
UN: (Sensing opportunity) Want all US troops removed from South Korea. Want all US aircraft carriers to stay on other side of Hawaii. Also want all Hyundais and Samsungs to be exported to US through Pyongyang.
TRUMP: Sounds good, although I’ll have to check where we get Hyundais from now before I agree to that.
UN: Me play you Truth or Dare for peace treaty.
TRUMP: Okay, but you’re going to lose. Because you’re a loser.
UN: We see. You first.
TRUMP: Okay. Dare. I dare you to eat my lunch—twelve Filet o’ Fish sandwiches and a double jumbo order of fries. (Sits back smirking) And a bowl of rice! (An attractive female AIDE brings the food in. TRUMP and UN nearly hit heads as both try to slap her on the ass simultaneously)
UN: Uh, oh, almost start World War III before lunch. (They both laugh, but the smile on TRUMP’S face vanishes when UN sucks up the fries, fish and rice like a human shop vac)
UN: (Dabbing at lips with napkin) Thanks. Why you no order nachos, too? Me like nachos. Okay, Un’s turn. Truth. What biggest lie you ever tell?
TRUMP: Huh? What?
UN: It simple question. What biggest lie?
TRUMP: You can’t tell the truth about lies. That’s not fair! Typical Oriental cheating! Steve Bannon warned me about you guys.
UN: Tell truth or lose game.
TRUMP: (muttering frantically) Inaugural crowd numbers? Penis size? That I only have a hundred-seventeen dollars in my checking account? The fact that I’ve paid for more abortions than Prince, Mick Jagger and Wilt Chamberlain combined? (to UN) I need time, here!
UN: So sorry, time up! (Grabs nuclear “football” off the conference table and runs, skipping, out the door, singing to the tune of America, Fuck Yeah) America, FUCK YOU…Trump came here to get motherfucking played, yeah!
THE END
TRUMP: Wow, I didn’t even know you spoke English.
UN: Me have all the best words.
TRUMP: (Ingratiatingly) So what’s it like, being Dictator for Life? Just asking—not that I’d want that job. But I bet it’s fantastic.
UN: It very satisfying. Job security very good, as long as you keep killing your family with poison or anti-aircraft guns.
TRUMP: Hah! Tiffany—BOOM!
UN: You want anti-aircraft gun? Will trade for multiple warhead independently targetable re-entry vehicle. Art of Deal!
TRUMP: (changing subject) Hey, I saw your sister during the Olympics. She’s pretty hot.
UN: She yours, for $130,000 worth of enriched uranium.
TRUMP: You are fantastically crafty, Supreme Leader. What’s the ass like in North Korea? How tough is it to get laid?
UN: Any woman mine. I just offer them small bowl of rice and then grab pussy when distracted by food.
TRUMP: Can’t wait to visit there after we sign the most fantastic peace deal ever. So, what’s the deal going to be? What do you guys want anyway? Rex Tillerson was supposed to tell me, but then I fired him.
UN: (Sensing opportunity) Want all US troops removed from South Korea. Want all US aircraft carriers to stay on other side of Hawaii. Also want all Hyundais and Samsungs to be exported to US through Pyongyang.
TRUMP: Sounds good, although I’ll have to check where we get Hyundais from now before I agree to that.
UN: Me play you Truth or Dare for peace treaty.
TRUMP: Okay, but you’re going to lose. Because you’re a loser.
UN: We see. You first.
TRUMP: Okay. Dare. I dare you to eat my lunch—twelve Filet o’ Fish sandwiches and a double jumbo order of fries. (Sits back smirking) And a bowl of rice! (An attractive female AIDE brings the food in. TRUMP and UN nearly hit heads as both try to slap her on the ass simultaneously)
UN: Uh, oh, almost start World War III before lunch. (They both laugh, but the smile on TRUMP’S face vanishes when UN sucks up the fries, fish and rice like a human shop vac)
UN: (Dabbing at lips with napkin) Thanks. Why you no order nachos, too? Me like nachos. Okay, Un’s turn. Truth. What biggest lie you ever tell?
TRUMP: Huh? What?
UN: It simple question. What biggest lie?
TRUMP: You can’t tell the truth about lies. That’s not fair! Typical Oriental cheating! Steve Bannon warned me about you guys.
UN: Tell truth or lose game.
TRUMP: (muttering frantically) Inaugural crowd numbers? Penis size? That I only have a hundred-seventeen dollars in my checking account? The fact that I’ve paid for more abortions than Prince, Mick Jagger and Wilt Chamberlain combined? (to UN) I need time, here!
UN: So sorry, time up! (Grabs nuclear “football” off the conference table and runs, skipping, out the door, singing to the tune of America, Fuck Yeah) America, FUCK YOU…Trump came here to get motherfucking played, yeah!
THE END
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