“Not at all,” a Trump spokesperson assured this column. “After all, plenty of guys do graduate from high school without really grasping the distinction between the World Wars. Those guys mostly go on to become short- order cooks and hunting guides, with the more ambitious ones getting to own their own heating and air-conditioning companies. Not one of them has risen to become the President of the United States before now. It is a tribute to Trump’s genius that he occupies the White House without being able to name more than say, seven or eight former Presidents, not counting Benjamin Franklin, who Trump occasionally mistakes for a former President because he has his picture on the money. The fact that all 44 of those guys liked to read and could spell turned out to be no advantage for them over Donald Trump.
“There’s nothing Trump likes to do more than insert himself into the glory hole of history. That’s why he needs to be on Mt. Rushmore. That’s why, after nobody wanted to show up at the Republican convention except for the coronavirus, Trump wanted to accept the nomination at the White House. But somebody brought up that crummy old Hatch Act, and, rather than proclaim a Goya Beans Executive Action permitting it, the President is probably going to accept Republican accolades at Gettysburg.
“That’s all because of the history, of course. I overheard the President saying the other day, “Gettysburg! I want to be re-nominated there because that’s where George Washington and the Continental Army defeated the Mexicans and won back the Alamo!”
You’ve got to be kidding.
“I am. Trump wouldn’t know the Continental Army from the Salvation Army.”