“The real enemy, as the President sees it, is not only this virus, but the fact that many Democrats have it. Sure, it began in China, and calling it the 'Chinese virus' results in a few Asians getting mugged in the streets, which gins up the base, who are constantly wondering what Orientals are doing here in the first place, but the President feels that the only responsible thing to do is switch that animus over to the Democrats.
“It was Democrats who brought the virus over from China. We’re 99% percent sure of that, because no Covid-19 patient has been seen carrying one of Ivanka’s handbags, which are readily available in Wuhan. You’ve got a lot of time to read while you’re in an isolation ward, yet none of the books from the Trump family library, like Art of the Deal or Triggered, has experienced a surge in sales.
“This, in our opinion, is telling. It’s telling us that those sick people are Democrats. Sure enough, the virus is spreading fastest in Democratic places, like New York and California. People are still partying hard in Republican states, like Tennessee, Texas and Florida. Are they protected? Yes, by the Bible, which may prevent coronavirus in Republicans. That’s what Paula White, the President’s snappy spiritual adviser, whom God, in His Wisdom, created to look good in a tight skirt, says. It’s a plain fact that reading the Origin of Species does not protect you against any disease. Prove me wrong.
“That’s a lot of evidence, but I’m sure more will be uncovered. For instance, Joe Biden claims to have been born in Scranton, Pennsylvania, but where’s his long-form birth certificate? People say that he was actually born in China. Missionary parents, that’s why he has normal eyes, but Alex Jones says he was adopted by real Americans when his birth mom and dad both died of another horrible Chinese disease that they got from eating weird Asian shit back then.
“And Biden is going to take away your guns, just like Obama did, and make everybody bake gay wedding cakes for free. And, by the way, senile, senile, senile. Also, socialist, socialist, socialist.
“That’s how we’re winning in November. Provided the Biden Bug doesn’t kill us all.”