The Nobel Peace prize nominations for 2021 are in, and the oddsmakers are rating the candidates. Of course, we Americans are only interested in Americans who could win it. It’s kind of like the Olympics that way. The Prize is worth a cool 1.1 million bucks or so this year, so the nominees are motivated.
Not that there are not interesting foreigners up for the PP. Greta Thunberg’s been out of the news lately, but she’s on the list for whining about wanting to still have air to breathe when she gets old enough for Social Security. The feeling among the Nobelistas may be that she has plenty of time to win the prize. Anytime between now and when we’re all on bottled oxygen because of worldwide cancerous smog would be good for Greta, is what insiders on the Committee are saying.
On the other hand, the Noble powers might feel a need for speed if they want to give Russian activist Alexey Navalny the prize. Putin has already poisoned Navalny’s boxer shorts in an effort to rid himself of this pro-democracy pest, and now he’s clapped Navalny back in the Moscow hoosegow for failing to report his whereabouts while he was in the resulting coma. Navalny could do an Epstein in custody at any time, which the Nobel crew is no doubt aware of. On the other hand, they’re also aware that giving the PP to Navalny will piss off Putin intensely, and the vindicative oligarch is within marching distance of most of the underwear drawers in Norway and Sweden.
But it’s the Americans who make us puff with pride, and there are at least four of them this year. Personally, I’m rooting hard for Black Lives Matter, because of the vast triggering of Red America it would provoke. Hannity would choke on his soup, Tucker Carlson would strangle himself with his bow tie, and (and this is my fondest wish) Rush Limbaugh’s cancer would finally finish him off in agonizing pain. Limbaugh would go to Hell with visions of black people getting free money dancing in his head, and his whole life would seem to him a waste. Which it was.
Stacey Abrams, the political boss of Georgia, would also send Republicans around the bend with a win, just because she’s been winning and they’ve been losing.
So, all the conservative cheese is going to be on Jared Kushner and his dad-in-law, Donald Trump. They think they deserve the Prize because they made peace between several nations that weren’t at war, which was hardly necessary, but it made making real estate deals in the Middle East easier.
Jared may benefit from the fact that you can now take a direct flight from Tel Aviv to Dubai and score the prize at the last minute, but the Ex-Prez is a tad more doubtful. Kids in cages are going to weigh down his chances, plus the fact that he’s tear-gassed his fellow nominees just to wave a Bible around is also a strike against him. The Nobel burghers don’t care for that.
Word is, though, he’s already planning to dispute the results if he loses. He’ll scream “Fake news!” when one of the others wins the prize, and demand if the Committee used Dominion voting machines to tote up the votes. Rudy Giuliani will fly to Stockholm to find a porn store to rage in front of. “Stop the steal” is “Sluta stjäla” in Swedish, which he will make his crazed followers chant as they invade Oslo City Hall, * although many of them will not be able to pronounce the funny horizontal colon correctly, because they have flown in from Oklahoma.
It’ll be his second time inciting an insurrection, so maybe experience will help him win. He hopes so.
After all, he needs the money.
*Which is where the Peace Prize is given. Yeah, had to Google that.
Not that there are not interesting foreigners up for the PP. Greta Thunberg’s been out of the news lately, but she’s on the list for whining about wanting to still have air to breathe when she gets old enough for Social Security. The feeling among the Nobelistas may be that she has plenty of time to win the prize. Anytime between now and when we’re all on bottled oxygen because of worldwide cancerous smog would be good for Greta, is what insiders on the Committee are saying.
On the other hand, the Noble powers might feel a need for speed if they want to give Russian activist Alexey Navalny the prize. Putin has already poisoned Navalny’s boxer shorts in an effort to rid himself of this pro-democracy pest, and now he’s clapped Navalny back in the Moscow hoosegow for failing to report his whereabouts while he was in the resulting coma. Navalny could do an Epstein in custody at any time, which the Nobel crew is no doubt aware of. On the other hand, they’re also aware that giving the PP to Navalny will piss off Putin intensely, and the vindicative oligarch is within marching distance of most of the underwear drawers in Norway and Sweden.
But it’s the Americans who make us puff with pride, and there are at least four of them this year. Personally, I’m rooting hard for Black Lives Matter, because of the vast triggering of Red America it would provoke. Hannity would choke on his soup, Tucker Carlson would strangle himself with his bow tie, and (and this is my fondest wish) Rush Limbaugh’s cancer would finally finish him off in agonizing pain. Limbaugh would go to Hell with visions of black people getting free money dancing in his head, and his whole life would seem to him a waste. Which it was.
Stacey Abrams, the political boss of Georgia, would also send Republicans around the bend with a win, just because she’s been winning and they’ve been losing.
So, all the conservative cheese is going to be on Jared Kushner and his dad-in-law, Donald Trump. They think they deserve the Prize because they made peace between several nations that weren’t at war, which was hardly necessary, but it made making real estate deals in the Middle East easier.
Jared may benefit from the fact that you can now take a direct flight from Tel Aviv to Dubai and score the prize at the last minute, but the Ex-Prez is a tad more doubtful. Kids in cages are going to weigh down his chances, plus the fact that he’s tear-gassed his fellow nominees just to wave a Bible around is also a strike against him. The Nobel burghers don’t care for that.
Word is, though, he’s already planning to dispute the results if he loses. He’ll scream “Fake news!” when one of the others wins the prize, and demand if the Committee used Dominion voting machines to tote up the votes. Rudy Giuliani will fly to Stockholm to find a porn store to rage in front of. “Stop the steal” is “Sluta stjäla” in Swedish, which he will make his crazed followers chant as they invade Oslo City Hall, * although many of them will not be able to pronounce the funny horizontal colon correctly, because they have flown in from Oklahoma.
It’ll be his second time inciting an insurrection, so maybe experience will help him win. He hopes so.
After all, he needs the money.
*Which is where the Peace Prize is given. Yeah, had to Google that.
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