I reached out to my White House source when I read this story. “One hundred percent true,” he replied. “President Trump is probably the most cognitive President the United States has ever had. The man does nothing but cognitate all day and well into the night.”
“The act of being cognitive, of course. The man just can’t help but be a cognitator. His mind is like a steel trap, as opposed to Joe Biden’s mind, which is like a squishy piece of cheese that you would put in a steel trap as bait.”
Trump’s mental acuity seems suspect at times, as well. His Tweeting about hamberders, covfefe and attakers makes some of us think he’s not quite smart enough to use spell check.
“Spell check is a left-wing hoax.”
And what’s this business about the doctors being surprised by his results? Cognitive tests are pretty much pass-fail. They’re like a field sobriety test for your smarts. You never hear the cops saying, "Wow, that was the best straight line I've seen walked," although I've been in several situations where I wished they had. So take my word for it, you either pass or you don’t. There’s not a whole lot of grading subtlety involved. They’re not the SAT’s.
“First off, DO NOT mention the SAT’s to anyone in the White House, ever. Secondly, and maybe you’re not aware of this, because Donald Trump is too humble to mention it, but people spontaneously praise him all the time. ‘Just keep on cognitating like you’re cognitating now,’ is an exact quote from the President’s doctors. ‘We’ve never seen anyone who can cognitate as marvelously as you, Mr. President,’ was also said.”
Sounds like they’re just kissing his ass, maybe even at a Lindsey Graham level.
“Bite your tongue, sir. The President does not ask for any praise he doesn’t richly deserve. And he truly deserves praise for his cognitive superiority. Even though he’s surrounded himself with the best cognitators possible, like Ivanka, whom he taught to cognitate at a very young age, and Jared, whom he early identified as a young cognitating superhero, he alone does the finest cognitating of all.
You know cognitating is not a word, right?
“How do you know that?”
Well, spell check, I’m afraid.
“This interview is over!”