One year ago today, a bunch of white people wearing gear they had purchased from Donald Trump R Us Store broke into the US Capitol and did their best to shoot Nancy Pelosi and hang Mike Pence. That they didn’t succeed was probably due to the fact that they were drunk and high.
And dumb. And poorly organized. And Trump didn’t lead them to the Capitol steps like he promised he would, because then they might have succeeded in overthrowing the government, and a nation of 335 million people armed with the choicest of nuclear weapons would currently be being led by Vladimir Putin.
But Trump did not do that, because it would have been somewhat dangerous, and keeping his pale, fat, spotted hiney safe has always been the Dumpster’s number one priority. Instead, he went back to the White House and cheered his peeps on, enjoying the spectacle so much that, according to witnesses, he would rewind and replay the highlights over and over, like a football refereeing crew trying to figure out if a receiver had both feet back in bounds after the catch.
He was ignoring pleas from people he was actually willing to be seen in public with, like Hannity and his kids, to put a stop to Congress being ransacked, he was loving it so much. And when he was finally persuaded to make a video telling his army of scum to quit shitting all over the USA, it took him three tries before he could actually tell them to leave the Capitol.
Those first two attempts have been viewed by my sources. Here’s what Trump was saying:
“Okay, guys, enough’s enough. Just amscray, okay? Remember, I’m still the President…LOOK AT THE ONE WITH THE BUFFALO HORNS…Yeah, I’m talking to you, bud. I mean, if you want to pull down a couple more statues on the way out, that’s freedom, right? Hang Mike Pence? That does have a ring to it (mumbles ‘Hang Mike Pence,’ a few times to himself. Has any other President had his Vice-President hung? I mean, that’s history, right? Tell me that’s not a beautiful piece of history….”
Off-camera, someone is yelling “cut!”
“Okay, okay. This time for sure. I want to start off by saying how beautiful you people are. Love the clothes. Love the flags. Don’t they wiggle nice when you try and stick Capitol cops with the poles? Yay, yay, pepper spray. Look, I appreciate all the love you guys are pouring out, but let’s close it out, shall we? Nancy Pelosi’s probably run out of panties to crap in. Have any of you ripped the clothes off that Occasionally Cortez babe yet? Let’s get that on a Go-Pro before you’re finished. Personally, I don’t go for chicks with glasses, but some of you patriots might. So, I’m not saying stop yet, but we’ve got to wrap it up soonish, okay?”
Off-camera, someone is yelling “Oh for fuck’s sake, cut.”
All right, I might have made that up. When the Supremes let us see the real tapes, though, they might be even more fascinating.
I’m making popcorn.
And dumb. And poorly organized. And Trump didn’t lead them to the Capitol steps like he promised he would, because then they might have succeeded in overthrowing the government, and a nation of 335 million people armed with the choicest of nuclear weapons would currently be being led by Vladimir Putin.
But Trump did not do that, because it would have been somewhat dangerous, and keeping his pale, fat, spotted hiney safe has always been the Dumpster’s number one priority. Instead, he went back to the White House and cheered his peeps on, enjoying the spectacle so much that, according to witnesses, he would rewind and replay the highlights over and over, like a football refereeing crew trying to figure out if a receiver had both feet back in bounds after the catch.
He was ignoring pleas from people he was actually willing to be seen in public with, like Hannity and his kids, to put a stop to Congress being ransacked, he was loving it so much. And when he was finally persuaded to make a video telling his army of scum to quit shitting all over the USA, it took him three tries before he could actually tell them to leave the Capitol.
Those first two attempts have been viewed by my sources. Here’s what Trump was saying:
“Okay, guys, enough’s enough. Just amscray, okay? Remember, I’m still the President…LOOK AT THE ONE WITH THE BUFFALO HORNS…Yeah, I’m talking to you, bud. I mean, if you want to pull down a couple more statues on the way out, that’s freedom, right? Hang Mike Pence? That does have a ring to it (mumbles ‘Hang Mike Pence,’ a few times to himself. Has any other President had his Vice-President hung? I mean, that’s history, right? Tell me that’s not a beautiful piece of history….”
Off-camera, someone is yelling “cut!”
“Okay, okay. This time for sure. I want to start off by saying how beautiful you people are. Love the clothes. Love the flags. Don’t they wiggle nice when you try and stick Capitol cops with the poles? Yay, yay, pepper spray. Look, I appreciate all the love you guys are pouring out, but let’s close it out, shall we? Nancy Pelosi’s probably run out of panties to crap in. Have any of you ripped the clothes off that Occasionally Cortez babe yet? Let’s get that on a Go-Pro before you’re finished. Personally, I don’t go for chicks with glasses, but some of you patriots might. So, I’m not saying stop yet, but we’ve got to wrap it up soonish, okay?”
Off-camera, someone is yelling “Oh for fuck’s sake, cut.”
All right, I might have made that up. When the Supremes let us see the real tapes, though, they might be even more fascinating.
I’m making popcorn.
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